Monday, December 8, 2008

What Would Chad Curtis Do?

In what could be the newest in a series of void-in-life filling posts during the MLB off season, I submit to you, the loyal WMHG readers, our first 'What Would Chad Curtis Do?' After leaving the Yankees (and professional baseball soon after), we naturally assumed Chad had plenty of free time on his hands. Well, low and behold, after he filled up my tank last week at the Hess station on 45th and 10th ave (didn't happen), apparently time is exactly what this man has. He also has opinions...

Remember when he didn't talk to Jim Grey during the '99 Series because Grey was mean to Pete Rose in an interview? And remember when he got mad at Derek Jeter for chatting it up with A-Rod during a bench clearing brawl with Seattle in '99? Yeah, that got the big mouth shipped out of the Bronx REAL quick.

This feature will present a well know athlete making a classic dumbass decision. We'll then outline a few 'choose your own adventure' style alternate endings, and you the reader get to choose for yourself how the ugly episode could have gone.

"MIAMI BEACH, Fla. (AP) -- Florida Marlins pitcher Dontrelle Willis was arrested early Friday on suspicion of drunken driving, police said.

An officer saw the star get out of his black Bentley around 4:30 a.m. and urinate in the street, police spokesman Bobby Hernandez said. The officer then approached him, noticed signs of intoxication and arrested him, Hernandez said. Willis, 24, refused a breath test at a police station and was being transported to Miami-Dade County jail, Hernandez said."

You remember this, right? Just picture how it went down that night. Here's the D-Train, probably still all fired up that his career hadn't fallen apart yet, coupled with the fact that he cashed in with his first big contract earlier in the year. He's out partying and drinking his face off in some Miami hot spot. He's wearing a terrible Hawaiian shirt and throwing back Corona after Corona after Tequila shot after Corona. Cue to the blackout. Some time around 4:15am, he decides he's had enough and should definitely just hop into his new Bentley and swerve his way home. Oh, but wait... before he left the club he forgot to piss. Better pull over and do that now. End of story.


WWCD? (What Would Chad Do?)- Would never have allowed himself to be traded away from such a wonderful God-fearing city like Chicago, IL to the heathen and fornicating Miami, FL. BUT, if somehow God was testing him by sending him to this Hell on earth, he'd no doubt would have been tucked-in tight and getting a good night's rest after what would have surly been a long day of doing mission work at the local youth center or church (FYI - Chad is very religious).

WWID? (What Would I Do?)- Well, first of all if I was that rich I'd just hire a damn driver to drive my drunk ass around town. What's that? I want to stay at that club till the sun comes up and then lie down in the back seat of the car barfing the whole ride home into the empty champagne bucket? That's a big 10-4. Why? Because I'm rich and it's my money and the poor driver would have to do whatever I say. And if I was too stupid to hire a driver (like apparently Donny was) and I found myself driving home hammered and had to pee? What's my bright idea to fix this problem without increasing my chances of almost certain arrest, you ask? I'd just piss my pants in the damn driver's seat! I'm rich, I could buy a new car if this one had pee stains all over it!

WWYD? (What Would You Do?) - Comment's section. Do it.


Doc Holliday said...

I would offer the cop a signed photo of myself serving up a sick D-Train 12-6, or hit him over the head with a discarded bottle and head for Canada.

Douglas said...

Donny must not have had much luck with the ladies that night.

I would swerve my way to the nearest traffic light...and pass out.