Thursday, December 11, 2008

Winter Meetings Wrap-Up

So, the Winter Meetings are over, and I can honestly say, these were 100% more interesting than any other one in recent memory. Miggy Cabrera and D-Train? Meh...

Does my bias have anything to do with both New York teams stealing all the headlines? Can I help it if this city is stuffed to the gills with chedda, ready to spend, baby?

Fuck no, I can't.

And is it my fault that a bunch of fat nerds with laptops and soul-stealing agents in $3K suits and dimwitted GMs with thumbs firmly inserted into their assholes got together in Vegas and saw more action than you at a douchey Manhattan lounge with a kilo of Columbian Charlie?

Again, no, not my fault. So let's move on and break the week down...

- If I hear one more fucking person say, "$161MM is too much for one pitcher", I'm going to throw up. And not because I had shitty Chinese food today that made me feel like I swallowed a broken light bulb rolled in Drano, but because what most of these people fail to realize is that if Johan signed for one more year, their contracts would be roughly the same. So suck on that, dickheads

- The Mets scored big with their acquisition of J.J. Putz from Seattle. And, call me crazy, but is it impossible to believe that Putz could end up being the closer should K-Rod's arm disintegrate into thin air, mid-pitch, as is being predicted by every sausage-link-finger tub-of-shit-writers from Boston to San Diego?

- Signing Derek Lowe for 5 years is like spending one accidental minute in the locker room shower, minus a bathing suit, with A-Rod - too long...unless you're a queer, then bottoms up, gaylord.

- Did anyone else want to see the ESPN ticker announce Washington as the winner of the Teixeira sweepstakes just to hear a collective moan make its way down 95 from Boston?

-Why Mike Cameron makes sense for the Yankees:
a. He has one year and $10MM left on his contract.
b. He looks like Seal, which means his wife may look like Heidi Klum, which guarantees some serious boner action.
c. He's black - black people are better athletes than all other's science.
d. He's all-around just a better player than Melky Cabrera

- Did anyone, and I mean anyone, really think Jake Peavy was going to the Cubs this week? Every fucking time ESPN splattered some bullshit on the screen about the deal being "close" or "nearly finalized" I wanted to throw my fucking shoe through the screen. Stop playing with my emotions!

- Frankie Gutierrez, Matt Carp, Joe Smith, Beau Vaughn, Wes Littleton, Sean Green, Aaron Heilman, Endy Chavez and Jeremy Reed all changed teams. The earth continued to rotate soon after.

- On the day the Mets sign two of baseball's best relievers, Cole Hamels decides it's time to call them "choke artists". While this statement makes me happy because it drove two of my Met-fan friends into a blind, incoherent, borderline-weepy rage. I also think it's bad to kick a team when they're down. Trust me, I've watched the Yankees use the Rays as a punching bag/toilet for ten seasons...and look what happened.

- Kerry Wood will not make it through a full season outside of Chicago. It's like he had some sort of force field or voodoo curse on him last year, letting him play more than 12 games. Do I believe in sorcery? Well, let me do you one better - is "Coldplay" still a multi-platinum record selling band? There's your answer, you pop-rock loving douche...

- The new Red Sox new alternate uniforms suck a large fat and sweaty one. The logos are stupid and basically ruin what I consider - albeit begrudgingly - a decent uniform. I can't wait to hear every fuck from Worcester jump to the defense of with a straight face.

- Raul Ibanez agreed to a 3 year, $30MM deal with Philadelphia. Oh, so you mean the top of their lineup will feature Rollins, Victorino, Utley, Howard and Ibanez? Gee, that's not fucking devastating already. Omar Minaya better get on the horn with his Latin cronies and get moving on a Bobby Abreu deal or risk facing scorn by the always unobjectionable Hispanic fan-base.

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