Saturday, January 31, 2009

Creep Comparison #59: Weekend at Ned's


There are several similarities between the two rotting corpses men pictured above. For example, both have mustaches. Great mustaches. Mustaches that can make a woman drop to her knees after just one quick glance. Second, both have lavish, albeit undeserved houses in exotic locations, overflowing with ungracious spoiled douchebags looking to score either hard drugs or easy lays. Both believe in ghosts. Both drive Maseratis at unsafe speeds. Both drink heavily on lonely Christmas nights and browse photo albums filled with pictures of estranged immediate family. Both have been involved in elaborate embezzlement schemes*. Both have had altercations with Andrew McCarthy over money. The one difference? Ned Colletti tried to steal McCarthy's wallet off a bar at a SAG function in L.A. Both men were ejected from the party for creating a scene. Police arrived shortly thereafter to calm the situation. Colletti was eventually arrested and booked* later that night for public intoxication and urinating in a school playground.

*all untrue


BallHype: hype it up!

Friday, January 30, 2009

What Would Chad Curtis Do? Part III


After leaving the Yankees (and professional baseball altogether), Chad Curtis has plenty of free time on his hands. How do I know this? Well, low and behold, after he played a delightful rendition of "Amazing Grace" with a keytar on the downtown 1 train yesterday, I learned the man still has those strong Christian opinions that really rubbed everyone the wrong way. While asking for handouts with a beat-up, old batting practice hat he weighed in on the Joe Torre situation, without any provocation from me.


The Quandry

If you don't know why Torre is in the headlines this week, then please return to that shit-hole you call your seclusive life.


Chad's Take

"Sweet Jesus, did I see this coming. I have a habit of doing that lately - calling things before they happen. Just this past Wednesday my wife walked into the living room - where I was enjoying a riveting TV documentary on "The Shack" - holding up two plastic containers. Now, I couldn't see the labels, but I said, 'potato salad, please'. She looked dumbfounded. Then she told me she was just about to ask me which one I preferred with my lunch, potato salad, or coleslaw. I reminded her that the Good Lord told me that I should have more starch in my diet, and we both had a good laugh at that, followed by some consensual missionary sex with the lights off. Anyway, Joe needs to give up his greedy ways and find Jesus. I bet it's that Los Angeles that's making him do these things. That city is evil as the darkest crevices of hell. Did you know for almost a year the state of California let homosexuals get married? Imagine that, two men marrying each other. Sounds like some crazy movie plot idea by that guy that wrote "Jurassic Park" - everyone knows those things aren't real. But about that man-man marriage - I mean, isn't anything sacred anymore - how do I tell my kids that two men I don't know got married in a different state? Well, I just won't do it, dammit."

(angrily wipes brow)
(takes a deep breath)
(makes sign of the cross)
(mouths word inaudibly)

"You see that? Just the topic made me cuss. All I can say is, Joe, stay away from all that gay business. If you get too close, next thing you know, you'll be writing a book about how you liked the way Jimmy Key smelled after a bullpen session."

David Wells Likes to Provoke the Elderly


Maybe I think differently than a cocky, obese, high-pitched-voice asshole who refuses to remove himself from the spotlight with any sort of dignity or class, but if I were David Wells, I would remember what happened the last time I threatened to kick someone's ass.

In Wells's response to what he would say to Torre if he saw him, after being ripped by Joe Torre in his new book, he said:

"I'd knock him out," said Wells, chuckling.

So, you're so upset that you want to knock out a 70-year old man for calling you a pain-in-the-ass? Or are you mad that Torre compared you to immortal asshole, Kevin Brown? I'd hate to be at a family function with you when one of your Uncle's gets drunk and starts tossing around threats, seeing that's there's no ageism when you decide you want to pound on someone with osteoporosis and a bum hip.

I hate reading Wells says to the media, mainly because he's irrelevant, but mostly because I despise him. And I'd hate for Wells to start getting cocky again, after-all, the last time he tried to throw his weight around he ended up getting decked by a 5-foot Guido from Yonkers named 'Rocco'.

In case you forgot how much of a coward Wells is, click this link to listen to Wells' 911 call immediately following the Italian Combo Rocco served to his fat fucking face.

My 2 Blogs: 2009 MLB Preview Edition - The Arizona Diamondbacks

Not content with barraging their own respective audiences with dick jokery, the authors of Why's My Head Growing? and 3:10 To Joba are working together. The goal? To provide 30 team previews slathered in truth sauce and degrading humor. Yes, that is the world trembling. Previews will rotate weekly between sites. Wear a cup.


Today your author is AK-47.


I knew they were committed to the youth movement in AZ, but are they serious with these new alternate jerseys?!

2008 Record: 82-80, 2nd in the N.L. West

Last Season as an Allegory: You're a 12-year-old kid with a shiny new bike. You've been practicing riding for a while, around your block and around your neighborhood, and you're getting pretty good. You begin to practice some tricks and are starting to get the elusive "wheely" down. You practice all summer, day-in and day-out, and your hard work is paying off with some nice results. Then, at that critical moment when you're going to pull off your first public "wheely" of your life, in front of all your friends and that one really hot older girl that seems to be more developed than any of the other girls in your neighborhood, you crash into the back of your mom's new Hyundai, then cry. Bummer, dude.

Offseason Moves: Lost Brandon Lyon, Juan Cruz, Randy Johnson, Adam Dunn and Orlando "O-Dogg" Hudson. Wow, that's a lot more than I thought. When you list them in a row, all that averageness-to-above-averageness actually seems like it could hurt. Added Felipe Lopez, Scott Schoeneweis and Jon Garland


State of the Union

The youth movement took hold in Arizona two years ago with favorable results. They were a team who magically won 92 games in 2007, while allowing more runs than runs scored. While that year's success seemed a bit tenuous, the silver lining was that the offense was very young with a high ceiling and the pitching was strong. Unfortunately, they took a small step backward in 2008. Despite strong, to quite-strong seasons from 1B Conor Jackson, SS Stephen Drew and CF Chris Young (average age: 25) the D-Backs meteoric start fizzled in August, and was snuffed out by September. Eventually they were overtaken by the hard-charging-6-games-over-.500 LA Dodgers.

Outlook

Bright. Even though they lost all those players/spare parts, theteam's young core remains unchanged. They are relying on these young'ns becoming another year older and another year better, as well as some key players returning to form from injuries (Eric Byrnes). I think they gave C Chris Snyder a big contract extension, which I don't fully understand. He's not that young (about to turn 28) and doesn't hit for average (.238 career mark). I guess he showed decent power potential last year (16 homers in 334 ABs) and who knows, maybe he's good at that other thing that players do during games that seems to be invisible during the offseason...PLAY DEFENSE!

2009 Projection

The Dodgers are really the only team standing in their way of being N.L. West Champs in '09. But that title can mean very different things from year to year. The West is funny, either all five teams are above .500, or below .500. Only time will tell if "NL WEST CHAMPS" will be something to proudly display like a diploma, or something to really, really, proudly display like the 7th place medal at the soap box derby in cub scouts.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Marxism Alive in The Bronx?


Remember when Communism was all the jazz? The Cuban Missile Crisis - The Kennedy Assassination - Olympic boycotting - piercing alarms that signaled nuclear attacks - kids being taught to hide under their fiber-glass desks in case of an attack - our itchy-trigger-finger President getting a hard-on just thinking about wiping out those Red bastards - helluva of time to be an American!

And then that fucking Rocky Balboa had to give a speech that touched millions, essentially ending the war altogether.

Anyway, apparently the Yankees want to repopulate those bread lines. A recent report states that after Joe Torre's "scathing" tell-all book, the Yankees are deciding whether or not to add clauses into contracts that will stop employees from bashing the team once they skate out of town. Very, very 21st century.

Coincidentally, there is a similar clause in Alex Rodriguez's contract that states he will no longer be allowed to plow old, washed-up pop-singers, male or female. Also, all women within the organization - yes, you too Suzyn-fucking-Waldman - have been fired or exiled, all men are required to grow a thick, wintry mustache, and a statue of Josef Stalin playing Pepper with Kim Jong-il is to be erected outside Yankee Stadium's new front gate.

Nostrovia!

My 2 Blogs: 2009 MLB Preview Edition - The Colorado Rockies

Not content with barraging their own respective audiences with dick jokery, the authors of Why's My Head Growing? and 3:10 To Joba are working together. The goal? To provide 30 team previews slathered in truth sauce and degrading humor. Yes, that is the world trembling. Previews will rotate weekly between sites. Wear a cup.

Today your author is Doc Holliday.





2008 Record: 74-88, 3rd in the N.L. West

Last Season as an Allegory: You finished second to a Swiss physicist in the stakes for the 2007 Nobel Prize in science and physics. Second Place is nothing to be ashamed of, though - just the mention of your name amongst scholars elicits excitement and buzz. The world is at your fingertips. But, after returning home to the states from a brief holiday in Milan with a bunch of your science buddies, you find your dog's dead, your wife left you for an electrician she's been fucking behind your back from Teaneck, NJ named, "Hank", and someone spray-painted "Gaylord" and drew a seven foot cock across your house's facade.

Offseason Moves: Acquired Greg Smith, Huston Street, and Carlos Gonzalez in return for their best player/best trading chip, Matt Holliday.


State of the Union

Things looked hopeful at the beginning of 2008 for Colorado - the team was coming off a storybook World Series run, and was returning the majority of its key contributors. Then the baseball gods stepped in and swiftly returned the team back to its rightful place - waist-deep in mediocrity. God doth giveth, God doth taketh away.

Now the team needs to regroup and sort through the ashes of a wasted season. Without Matt Holliday, there is a glaring hole in the middle of the lineup that I'm sure Brad Hawpe and Garret Atkins cannot fill. Jeff Francis hit puberty and regressed. Manny Corpas lost the dominance he showed in late-2007. Frankie Morales pulled a Phil Hughes - hiding an injury, sucking, and the beloved Troy Tulo - to the amazement of every sportswriter that deemed him the next Ty Cobb after 1 season, hit a wall. Simply put, the team is not one that's ready for primetime, at least not anytime soon.

Outlook

The Rockies have a bevy of young pitchers to play with. Unfortunately, throwing a young pitcher into Denver's thin air and asking them to put up respectable numbers is like asking a college freshman from a dry house to fill Tony LaRussa's stool at the bar. But at least fans can look forward to the eventual Garret Atkins trade sweepstakes in July - Yay!


2009 Projection

Instead of me lambasting these poor bastards, let's ask Steve Phillips from ESPN's "Baseball Tonight" what he thinks about the Rockies chances in 2009:

"I like these guys, I really do. They have a solidt core of major-league-ready young talent. Real solid core. And Clint Hurdle is the type of manager who can take you all the way to the top. He can take you all the way up there. He reminds me of Bobby Valentine, if Bobby Valentine had some class and wasn't a no good, thankless piece-of-shit. You see, I hired Bobby when I was the General Manager of the Queens based National League affiliate, New York Mets. During my seven highly successful seasons at the helm, I brought in, among others: Jose Reyes, David Wright, Scott Kazmir, Mike Jacobs, Ty Wigginton, Matt Lindstrom and Brian Bannister. Instead of remembering these ingenious moves, skeptics question the Robbie Alomar and Mo Vaughn signings. Well, I don't. And do you know why? Because I believe in myself and I know what I'm capable of as both an executive and as a man."

Uh...Thanks, Steve!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Somewhere in the Distance, Darrel Rasner Weeps Ever So Softly


If someone tells you the success of the 2009 Yankees hinges on A-Rod's ability to produce in the clutch, or Jorge Posada's shoulder healing correctly, or the robot ligaments taking in Hideki Matsui's knee - immediately punch them in their eye. Hit them with the butt of a hunting rifle. Encourage your dog - if you don't own a dog, a hungry drifter will suffice - to maul them. Why? Because they have shit-for-brains, and since people with shit-for-brains have no business discussing baseball or sports ever again, they are worthless to the human race and must be disposed* of.

*Sorry Steve from accounting, but you defended Chase Wright as a legitimate major league starter two years ago. Now, you die.

Anyway...These "people" have zero ability to read or process baseball statistics. They'd rather get their information from some jerk-off at work who has premium season tickets, but couldn't tell you what "WHIP" means even if you threatened to release pictures to his wife of his secretary giving him a hummer in the coat closet after the holiday party last December. It's a vicious cycle - this misinformation spreading circle-jerk - because it's almost impossible to pull anyone away from this sort of brainwashed thinking.

Well, I'm here to set the record straight. Are you ready? The secret is...

...A consistent rotation.

That's it. Not a dominate one, not one that will break every record ever set - a consistent rotation will push the Yankees over the hump. Since 2003 - their last World Series appearance - the Yankees have annually failed to produce a rotation that will stay healthy and fall into rhythm.

Here's a year-by-year breakdown of how many pitchers made starts in each respective season, followed by some of the rubes who made said starts:

2004: 12 - Alex Graman (2 GS, 19.80 ERA), Donovan Osbourne (2 GS, 7.13 ERA) Esteban Loiza (6 GS, 8.50 ERA)

2005: 14 - Sean Henn (3 GS, 11.12 ERA), Darrell May (1 GS 16.71 ERA) Tim Redding (1 GS 54.00 ERA) Have fun with him, Mets fans

2006: 12 - Sidney Ponson (3 GS, 10.47 ERA), Aaron Small (3 GS, 8.46 ERA), Kris Wilson (1 GS, 8.64 ERA)

2007: 14 - Jeff Karstens (3 GS, 11.05 ERA), Matt DeSalvo (6 GS, 6.18 ERA) Tyler Clippard (6 GS, 6.33 ERA)

2008: 13 - Kei Igawa (1 GS, 13.50 ERA), Ian Kennedy (9 GS, 8.17 ERA), Phil Hughes (8 GS, 6.62 ERA)

Some people may wave their hands dismissively at these stats, partly because they know dick about baseball, but partly because they've been convinced by moronic sportscasters that one uber-gay third baseman's shortcomings are the only thing keeping past Yankee teams from reaching the Fall Classic. And I'm not here to defend Purple-Lips McHighlights, but the blame should not fall solely on his frosted crown. Even if A-Rod ripped an extra-base-hit every single time he came to the plate, the Yankees still wouldn't be able to win multiple games with guys like Darrel Rasner and Sidney Ponson making multiple starts over multiple years.

For the past five seasons, the Yankees pitcher's mound has featured more nervous, sweaty losers than a Q&A conference with Leonard Nimoy at Comicon. Obviously, Brian Cashman tried to address the issue this offseason by tossing the GDI of Uzbekistan at CC Sabathia and A.J. Burnett (even though Burnett's target date for the DL is May 3rd). If these guys can do what they're being paid handsomely to do, and a healed Wang, a drunk more fit Joba, and an appeased Andy Pettitte sure-up the back end, this team should have no problem getting to the postseason, and excelling from there. Success hinges on arms, not the offense. Not home runs, not Ian Kennedy, and not Robby Cano. Fact.


...but seriously, would it kill that cougar-banging, jordache wearing weirdo to step it up every once in a while?


BallHype: hype it up!

My 2 Blogs: 2009 MLB Preview Edition - The San Diego Padres

Not content with barraging their own respective audiences with dick jokery, the authors of Why's My Head Growing? and 3:10 To Joba are working together. The goal? To provide 30 team previews slathered in truth sauce and degrading humor. Yes, that is the world trembling. Previews will rotate weekly between sites. Wear a cup.

Today your author is AK-47.




2008 Record: 63-99, 5th in the N.L. West

Last Season as an Allegory: They Sucked. No cute little story. They just sucked.

Offseason Moves: Lost future HOF'er Trevor Hoffman, traded away Khalil "Goldy Locks" Greene, signed SS David Eckstein to play 2B


State of the Union

Dark. Darker-dark. As dark as the inside of a cave far beneath the earth's crust on a moonless night. Bad. As bad as bad can be. As bad as...well, you get the picture. They were terrible last year, and now, there's no sugar coating it, they're set to be worse. There are two good players on the entire team. TWO! I understand that most teams don't have the money to do whatever they want (Yankees) or basically whatever they want (Mets), but come oooonnnn already. If you're on the Padres and your name isn't Jake Peavy or Adrian Gonzalez (tip of the hat to Jon Daniels for him) then you're not worth spit. Even mega-prospect Chase Headley hasn't made much of a splash yet.

I'd love to blame it all on manager Bud Black, but it's just not his fault. For God's sake, their catcher's last name is Hundley and he's not even related to Todd! WTF?! Obviously, without this sliver of a link to that '96 Mets magic, they're F'ed. And here's one last thing to digest - they couldn't score runs last year. But, to balance it out, they also couldn't get anyone out. I'd go further into this mess but it's making me nauseous just thinking about it.

Outlook

Owner John Moores sold the team because he was getting divorced. Kind of a wacky situation, right? Apparently, one can infer (since I decided to do little to no research) that this hand-cuffed the Fathers this offseason. They essentially did nothing, that is, aside from trying to trade away their best pitcher. That's right, in case you missed it, they tried everything they could think of to get rid of Jake Peavy - straight up trades, three-way deals, returning him to the Cabela's where they got him on sale - except nothing worked. So, what's left after that little mess? A star who previously wanted to be with the club, but now hates the organization. Congrats, guys.


2009 Projection

It's January 28th and the season is over. FACT. They'll be battling it out with the Nationals and Pirates for last place in the N.L. once again.


BallHype: hype it up!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Gritty Words by a Gritty Guy


Hi, I'm world famous catcher and beloved World Series hero Jason Varitek, and I'd like to set a few things straight today before I uneventfully sign a contract with the Red Sox and return and play for my hometown favorite city, Boston.

Basically, I'm here for one simple reason: to hide behind my agent and refuse to acknowledge that I'm not worth half of what I'm asking for to convince you that I should receive the salary I deserve!

Now, I know what you're thinking - you're thinking, "Hey Tek, shouldn't you give that dirty Jew Boy Wonder, Theo Epstein, a break? Maybe agree to a nice, incentive laden 1-year deal? Everyone knows he's uncharacteristically preparing to offer you two years out of guilt, even though your career died almost three full years ago - this just doesn't make sense?"

I know, I know, it seems unfair. But that's the difference between you and me. What you think is unfair is in fact, actually fair. And what kind of precedent would I be setting as the grittiest player in history if I took a pay cut? After all, gritty guys get paid to do the dirty work.

(is asked to clarify this statement by someone in attendance)
(laughs uproariously and encourages the rest of the media in attendance to do the same)

Moving on. How do I know all of this? Well, if I told you, then we'd all be wearing that little 'C' on our chest's, now wouldn't we?

(winks)

And how could the Boston Red Sox survive without my down-to-earth, blue collar, working class style? Not to mention the signature goatee and flat-top that defines a fan-base? Everyone knows the team was lacking in the grittiness department before I came around. If you don't believe me, just ask the corpse of Peter Gammons.

(shoots fingers at rotting corpse propped in chair with pencil behind ear)

When Jonathan Papelbon gets drunk and starts pushing around a 150 lb MIT grad student at the bar, who do you think stops him? When David Ortiz threatens to eat himself into a diabetic coma, who do you think talks him out of it? When J.D. Drew wants to go hunting for intoxicated homeless men, who helps him load his rifle? When Dice-K wants to long toss for seven straight hours, who do think is there to catch and throw it back?

This guy, that's who.

That's what I do. That's what captains are for. I bet you'll never see Derek Jeter driving C.C. Sabathia to an IHOP at 3am for a Lumberjack breakfast and four gallons of half-and-half - but I sure as hell would! That's what defines girtty. That's what defines a champion. That's what defines Tek.

(crowd of Boston fans ohhs and ahhs, cries, then names their first born "Tek", only in ten years through a fog of whiskey forget why)

My 2 Blogs: 2009 MLB Preview Edition - The Los Angeles Dodgers

Not content with barraging their own respective audiences with dick jokery, the authors of Why's My Head Growing? and 3:10 To Joba are working together. The goal? To provide 30 team previews slathered in truth sauce and degrading humor. Yes, that is the world trembling. Previews will rotate weekly between sites. Wear a cup.

Today your author is Doc Holliday.



2008 Record: 84-78, 1st in the N.L. West

Last Season as an Allegory: At a young age, you were tagged to become one of the brightest and best students your high school has seen in years. You boast both bloodline and pedigree - your father and grandfather were both exceptional students - and all signs pointed to a productive, if not significant high school experience. But, when the hype started, you rarely spiked above the average - mostly smoking cigarettes behind the school and dozing off in class. Except for that brief two month period when you began nailing the captain of the cheerleading squad. But then, abruptly, she dumped you because she was bored and you couldn't keep her satisfied any longer.

Offseason Moves: Signed a bevy of scrubs role-players, including Mark Loretta, Guillermo Mota, Brad Ausmus, resigned SS Rafael Furcal and Casey Blake, parted ways with BFABOAT* Andruw Jones, still doing the erotic Manny Ramirez seduction dance as this goes to print
*Biggest Free Agent Bust of All-Time


State of the Union

The team got younger by default, parting ways through both retirement and free agency with Greg Maddux, Nomar Garciaparra, Jeff "That's Mr. Kent To You" Kent, Takashi Saito and Chan Ho Park. Now, the team must look forward to their future, which relies heavy on the farm system. The only problem is, their farm system has yet to develop any sure-fire studs offensively. James Loney - where's the power I was promised? Matt Kemp - is his bigotry toward walks going to rise? Blake DeWitt - we play 162 games in the bigs, my man. But, there is hope in La-La Land. Incumbent closer Jonathan Broxton, albeit portly, can throw 700 MPH. Andre Either looks like a fixture in rightfield. Chad Billingsley, Clayton Kershaw and Hiroki Kuroda comprise what is probably one of the most polite top-of-the-rotations in the national league, second only to the Pirates Paul Maholm and Ian Snell, who are known to bring extra sweaters for chilly members of the media to wear when near their lockers, which tend to get a little drafty from time to time.


Outlook

Long-Winded Version:
Ned Colletti isn't the smartest guy around. Wait, that's a terrible way to start - Ned Colletti is not a smart guy, by any definition. I don't care if he develops a environmentally friendly alternative to fossil fuel using wheat-grass, or solves a 45-year-old dead-end murder case with nothing more then a magnifying glass, my opinion will never sway - this guy is a fucking idiot. Everyone - even your mom - knows the Dodgers are better off with Manny Ramirez than without him. It's a black and white situation. So why isn't he signed, already? What could possibly make Ned Colletti balk at a 3 or 4 year contract for one of the greatest right-handed hitters in history, when he routinely hands out long-term contracts like a drunk tossing dollars at a pretty bartender? Who in their right mind gives Jason Schmidt that much money? Seriously? Who besides this man? I wouldn't give Schmidt $5 to wash my car, let alone anchor a pitching staff. Juan Pierre is another one - while it's fun to insult his awful freestyle skills, is he even worth half of his contract total? And let's not forget Andruw Jones...I don't know what to say here. Really, I have nothing.

Short-Winded Version:
They could be good, they could suck, depending on the youngsters. Simple as that.


2009 Projection

Out of the five teams in the West, the Dodgers have the best shot at winning the division. But remember, this isn't really a compliment, because the West is God-awful. It's kind of like anointing someone the prettiest person at a gala for lepers. Keep that analogy in mind, Dodgers fans.

Monday, January 26, 2009

8 Year-Olds, Dude


This is Gross. Just. Plain. Gross.

Get Off My Lawn!


I haven't had the chance to read Joe Torre's new greed-induced endeavor autobiography yet, but judging by some of the reviews I've read, while there are some shots taken at certain players, GM Brian Cashman, and of course the Boss, it's far from an unprovoked attack on the Yankees. But is it timely? Sort of, considering Torre is still a relatively fresh name amongst the New York sports media, who have nothing better to write about until A-Rod goes prancing shirtless through the park again. So is Torre's rant distasteful? Eh, maybe. Torre, who was deemed a "loser" manager before joining the Yankees in '96, should remember why he's able to write a book that will become a bestseller and tabloid fodder for weeks to come, instead of coaching some Dominican Winter League outside of San Cristobal.

Personally, I'm all for a "tell-all" penned by a former, disgruntled employee. Why not? It won't affect the Yankees in any way. Does anyone who knows anything about this team really think A-Rod doesn't have a "Single White Female" complex when it comes to Jeter? We all know he does. Does anyone really think George Steinbrenner gets a bad rap and is actually easy to work for? No, that's old news. My issue with the book is, Torre complains about being treated, "unfairly". So, being thrust to the helm of a winning team, acquiring four World Series Rings, and collecting millions of dollars in return for your services is "unfair" treatment? Give me a break. If that's "unfair", then I'm calling the fucking cops, because the way I'm being treated at work is borderline torture.

My feeling is, Torre's most likely suffering from cranky old man syndrome. He's getting old. Old people become surly. They lose patience faster. Their bones ache when the temperature drops below 70. They forget things. Sometimes they will walk from one end of the house to the other, only to completely forget why they did so. I'll give Joe the benefit of the doubt, and assume he's starting to forget things. that way, we can all pat him on the head and tell him he's a sweet person, make sure he takes his pills, and assure him that Grandma will be coming back from the store annnnny minute now.

My 2 Blogs: 2009 MLB Preview Edition - The San Francisco Giants

Not content with barraging their own respective audiences with dick jokery, the authors of Why's My Head Growing? and 3:10 To Joba are working together. The goal? To provide 30 team previews slathered in truth sauce and degrading humor. Yes, that is the world trembling. Previews will rotate weekly between sites. Wear a cup.

Today your author is Doc Holliday.



2008 Record: 72-90, 4th in the N.L. West

Last Season as an Allegory: You have the upper-body of a world class bodybuilder. You can bench-press a Toyota - not a hybrid either, one that takes diesel and has sex with women cars. You have flowing hair that runway models develop eating disorders over. Your looks turn heads and drop jaws everywhere you go. But, tragically, your legs were severed in a boating accident three years ago.

Offseason Moves: Added the always surly Randy Johnson, mediocre relievers Jeremy Affeldt and Bob Howry, and punching bag SS Edgar Renteria


State of the Union

Who remembers Barry Bonds? Anyone? Anyone at all? No? Well, seeing that Herr Selig's brainwashing technique worked, and America has officially forgotten about Barry, it's time to start wondering in which direction Brian Sabean is steering this merry ship filled with pop-less mediocrity. Their #1 power threat is Bengie Molina (who I thought died three years ago). Their offseason '08 blockbuster-signing/savior Aaron Rowand was plucked from a dangerous lineup in Philly, dropped into purgatory by the Bay, and promptly returned to Earth. While there are several young, hopeful prospects chugging through the Giants' minor league system, it seems as though none of them are major league ready.

But the saving grace of this club is their potentially dominate pitching staff. In just his first full season in the bigs, staff Ace Tim Lincecum put up a stat line that makes Bill James happy in his pants: 18-5, 227 IP, 2.62 ERA, 265 Ks. Both him and incumbent #2 starter, Matt Cain, are just 24 years old, and if Cain can motivate the offense to score more than 0 runs a start, he may actually flip-flop those 30 losses he's accumulated over the past two seasons. Add in Dandy Randy, a supposedly hypnotized and recharged Barry Zito, and a dozen other youngsters, and you've got yourself a formidable staff.


Outlook

Bringing in Edgar Renteria isn't helping anyone but Edgar Renteria's offshore bank account, and the same can be said about Randy Johnson, only because Johnson is taking up a spot in the rotation that could easily be filled by one of the Giants minor league blue-chippers. Sabean thinks people will come in droves to watch a cranky 45 year-old man win his 300th game, but I tend to disagree, mainly because I think Sabean is not only mildly retarded, but also an ass clown of the highest caliber.


2009 Projection

Anything can happen in the N.L. West - three different teams have captured the division crown in as many seasons - but not because it's super competitive, but because it's super mediocre. Unfortunately, the Giants won't be making a run for the title, at least not until they trot someone better than Randy Winn or Pablo Sandoval to hit third in the lineup. Either that, or fire fucking Rain Man prancing around the front office.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Creepy Comparison # 58: HOF Edition - You dig?


Here at WMHG, We're turning back the clock to the late '70s for a smooth Hall of Fame Creepy Comparison, you dig?

(picks afro)

You'd have to be a jive turkey not to see how similar these two cats look, maaan. That swagger, that charm...goddamn!

(lays on cheetah pattern sheets)

You see, that brotha on the left is none other than newly crowned HOF'er Jim Rice. Those baseball writers kept playin' my man here as a sucka for damn near 15 years, 'til he finally got his due.

(slides platform shoes on, punches ho in the eye)

His brotha from anotha motha on the right - that's Shaft a.k.a. Richard Roundtree. Ouuuuuweee, he's one baaaad motha...you dig? Outta sight!

(has unprotected sex with everyone)

Dy-no-mite!

Friday, January 23, 2009

My 2 Blogs: 2009 MLB Preview Edition - The Pittsburgh Pirates

Not content with barraging their own respective audiences with dick jokery, the authors of Why's My Head Growing? and 3:10 To Joba are working together. The goal? To provide 30 team previews slathered in truth sauce and degrading humor. Yes, that is the world trembling. Previews will rotate weekly between sites. Wear a cup.


Today your author is H-Unit, read him during the week here.




2008 Record: 67-95

Last Season as an Allegory: You live in a shack out in the middle of the woods with your bassett hound Pogo. You have poor hygiene and smell atrocious. And all you do all day is eat cans of beans and listen to Jewel records on repeat.

Moves: Plucked Rinku and Dinesh from India, hilarity still ensuing, resigned Adam LaRoche

State of the Union:

This is a franchise that hasn't had a winning season since they joined the NL Central in 1994. They traded away their franchise player in Jason Bay and their most productive player, Xavier Nady, in July of last season. They have a jumbled mess of prospects and underacheivers to show for that (Brandon Moss, Craig Hansen, Andy LaRoche, Jeff Karstens, Ross Ohlendorf). Nate "The Colossus of" McClouth showed up randomly as a very good player and Paul Maholm had his best season to date last year.

But all of this and they don't have a guy in their lineup who will frighten pitchers. Their highest paid player is the defensively adequate, powerfully inept shortstop Jack Wilson. Ian Snell and Tom Gorzelanny both regressed after decent 2007 seasons. Matt Capps is a decent closer.

Outlook:

They hired John Russell as their manager this year who was the Phillies' Triple A manager the past 2 years. He has practically nothing to work with. A good move they made was signing Joe Kerrigan as their pitching coach. He has already started making Ross Ohlendorf a starter (don't really know why). Zach Duke has been a huge bust for them. Their three best pitchers (Snell, Maholm, and Gorzelanny) would be back end of the rotation guys on pretty much any other team. Their bullpen is just a bunch of young "talent" hoping to make it big for those 12 people who attend Pirates games weekly.

2009 Projection:

Unless by some miracle all of their younger players blossom into Hall of Famers this year, this team will not climb out of the basement that it's been camped in for more than a decade. The thing that to watch with this team is: can McClouth put together another good season or if he will go the route of Brady Anderson and have one good season and then never be heard from again?

My 2 Blogs: 2009 MLB Preview Edition - The Houston Astros

Not content with barraging their own respective audiences with dick jokery, the authors of Why's My Head Growing? and 3:10 To Joba are working together. The goal? To provide 30 team previews slathered in truth sauce and degrading humor. Yes, that is the world trembling. Previews will rotate weekly between sites. Wear a cup.


Today your author is J, read him during the week here.




2008 Record: 86-75, third in the NL Central

Last as an Allegory: In 2005 you were dumped by your girlfriend after you proposed to her at an Outback Steakhouse. Since then you have had serious problems with women. You are late to recognize when members of the fairer sex are interested in you and talk to them for several minutes before clumsily cramming the important and interesting things at the end of the pickup conversation. Alas, it is too little, too late and the ship has sailed for the night. Repeat this ad infinitum at whatever drinking or eating establishment you have chosen to slather with your lonliness that evening. You end up going home alone, yet again. Or with a dude.

Offseason Moves: Re-signed Jose Valverde, signed Mike Hampton, Doug Brocail


State of the Union:

As always seems to be the case, the Astros punctuate their season with momentary, furious hot streaks wherein they seem unbeatable but then follow these with stretches of laughable losses that keep them from reaching the playoffs. As has been said about every non-Cub team in the Central (except the Pirates, obviously), the Astros have a decent lineup anchored by the Lance Berkman/Carlos Lee tandem that can definitely score some runs. They also have good young talent to build around in Hunter Pence; however, outside of Roy Oswalt, the starting rotation is spotty at best. How can you trust a guy named "Wandy" to be your number two starter? That name is so gay it makes Harvey Milk seem like Hugh Hefner.

Outlook:

The Astros actually boast a pretty solid bullpen and if they could get a hold of one established starter to back up Roy Oswalt they would become a factor in the Central race. However, this rotation help won't be coming from inside the organization anytime soon as the Astros have one of the worst farm systems in all of baseball. As a double "up yours", the Astros always seem to finish with a fairly good record that prevents them from having good draft status. Damnit, guys, don't you know how to suck the right way? Take some notes from the Pirates and maybe you'll learn a thing or two about failure.

2009 Projection:

Playoffs seem like a very distant stretch, but finishing high in the division is not out of the question. That sounded like it came from a fortune cookie. Also, expect more shitty gifts.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Creepy Comparison # 57: The Force vs. The Dark Side

Life is funny sometimes. On rare occasions do movie plots mimic real-life down to every little detail. Case in point: the above 'CC'. Familiar with a little movie called "Star Wars"? Yeah, you are, so you know that's Luke Skywalker up there keeping the cosmos safe. Familiar with a little ballplayer named Matt Nokes? Unless you're Doc or this guy that works in my office, no...you are not. Well, young Mr. Nokes was a rookie sensation with the Tigers and parlayed that into a career of mediocrity and unmet expectations with the Yankees in the early '90s. However, in this particular case, the seemingly separated at birth twins battle it out for Creepy Comparison intergalactic supremacy! (Get it? Nokes is 'The Dark Side' because he was on the Yanks - Ba dun ch!) Only one will survive...

* Note - Believe it or not, Nokes was traded after the 1985 season from the SF Giants to the Tigers for (among other players) Juan Berenguer! See the below post if you don't know who I'm talking about. Coincidence?

Baseball Cards Featuring Ugly People - Part II

Following the success and critical acclaim(none) of one of our more popular posts, I decided to follow up with a sequel, seeing that there is absolutely no shortage to awful looking baseball cards featuring awful looking people. Please note that while I have the chops to point and laugh at flaws, I also have the same fashion sense as a blind homeless man.

/uses whole jar of Vaseline to style hair
/eats from garbage


Remember that guy who used to sell you shitty weed at the school carnivals? He was your friend's mom's cousin or something, he wore dark glasses at night and smelled like cured meats, and sometimes made raunchy remarks about a nearby 16-year old? I have a feeling Kent did that at one point or another in his life.


Let's keep our focus away from Mookie on this one. I know all you Mets fans out there get as giddy as a drunk sorority girl on her way back to a notorious womanizing football players dorm - so try and pay attention to the guy on the right.

A) Who the fuck is Juan Berenguer?
B) The thickness of his unibrow deserves an entire Newsweek article.


The winners of the Best Staten Island Fireman Award from 1987.


Cameraman: "Hey, Delino, mind if I take your picture for a new trading card brand called, Bowman?"
Delino: "Yeah, sure."
Cameraman: "Ready?"
Delino: "Yup."
Cameraman: "Okay...one sec...one sec...annnnd...IthinkaboutyouwhenImasturbate."
Delino: "The Fuck you just say?"
Camera: *click* "Hey, Good luck this season!"

Remember the guy who used to watch you swim at the town pool, only he wasn't anyone's dad or brother, he was just some weird guy wearing neatly pressed slacks? I'm not saying it was Parrish, but goddamn is he a ringer for that guy.



Eric Plunk's mustache reminds me of these kids in college who used to frequent the bar I worked at. They collectively weighed a buck-fifty, had chains hanging down from their neck to their stomach, wore HUGE multi-colored Avirex sweaters (classy), and had these weird wispy mustaches - similar to Plunk's - to compliment their Caesar haircuts. They drank Genesee, requested for the DJ to play Xzibit and Mac-10, and usually got beat up before the night ended by a Lacrosse player who drank Beast Ice straight out of a dirty pitcher. YEAH, COLLEGE! WOOO!


I understand the 5 o'clock shadow look, but Hafner is rocking the 5 o'clock goatee. I've heard rumors that he's relatively dumb, but this takes on a whole new meaning of...well, dumb.


I can't decide which guy I like better in this one - Walt Weiss's attempt to not look like a pencil-neck-nerd, or Dave Otto's attempt to look as gay as humanly possible.

My 2 Blogs: 2009 MLB Preview Edition - The Cincinnati Reds

Not content with barraging their own respective audiences with dick jokery, the authors of Why's My Head Growing? and 3:10 To Joba are working together. The goal? To provide 30 team previews slathered in truth sauce and degrading humor. Yes, that is the world trembling. Previews will be posted on both sites. Wear a cup.

Today your author is J, read him during the week here.




2008 Record: 74-88, 5th in the NL Central

Last Season as an Allegory: You are an established major league franchise that plays home games in a launching pad of a ballpark. Despite this, you struggle to post a winning record there, and then proceed to go 19 games under .500 on the road. In short, you suck. Wait a minute, this doesn't seem like allegory at all. This is just the blatant truth. Oh well, moving right along.

Offseason Moves:
Signed Willy Taveras, acquired Ramon Hernandez from the Orioles


State of the Union:

The discussion about the Reds begins and ends with the man at the helm: Dusty Baker. The guy's credo, "I've never not met a pitch count I didn't like," has doomed young arms in the past (see: Prior, Mark). Lovers of Edinson Volquez and believers in Homer Bailey have a lot to be concerned about. Proverbial bastion of suck Corey Patterson was shown the door in favor of Willy Taveras, proof that GM Walt Jocketty seems hell-bent on stretching the definition of "upgrade" as far as it will go. Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't the purpose of getting this Jocketty guy so that he could bring his front office "genius" he demonstrated with the Cardinals to turn the Reds franchise around? Willy Taveras will do no "turning around." He may turn you around, but then he'll keep turning around until you're facing the original direction.

Outlook:

The Reds do have two promising young hitters to build around in Joey Votto and Jay Bruce, and any lineup can score runs in that ballpark, but as is so often the case, the Reds lack a solid pitching staff to be anything of a relevant factor. Heck, even if they had a pitching staff, Dusty would break it, so perhaps this is for the best. The departure of one Ken Griffey Jr. makes this team about as watchable as a Tyler Perry movie for a white person. If I were a Reds fan, I would be too depressed about the fact that Votto and Bruce are wasting away their youth to watch them on daily basis. It would remind me too much of unfulfilled potential. Grab some chili, Reds fans, it's going to be a long season. Oh, and while you're at it, knuckle down for the next 11 years or so because you might not be relevant until then either.

2009 Projection:

5th place! Again! Wheeeeeeeeeee!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

JFKent, the Farewell Address


"It's me, your favorite sour son-of-a-bitch, not to mention Hall of Fame bound, Jeff Kent. I'm happy to announce my retirement today from Major League Baseball, after 17 hearty seasons. Now, most players get up here in front of your sorry asses and start weeping and moaning like some kind of half-a-faggot or something. What, I can't say 'faggot', 'cause the goddamn kids look up to me? Well fuck those little spoiled bastards, they can go hang off their momma's titty for all I care. I'm a free man. Free as the fine L.A. pussy sitting in the stands, waiting for JFKent to get off of work and show 'em how a real man gives it out - not like the rest of these bisexuals hangin' around in this goddamn city. Nobody gets tell ol' Jeff how to speak and what to say, anymore! I'm done with all that nonsense. I'm growing my mustache down to my cock...I'm going to litter...I'm going to attack foreigners for no good reason...I'm going to get drunk on a Tuesday during batting practice and not hide it! I may even strangle a drifter or two under a highway overpass - who knows what all this free time will allow me to do! And up yours, old-timers, if you try and keep me out of the goddamn Hall, I'll come hunt you down and shatter your hip with a garbage can lid! JFKent, retired."

Bumbling GMs: The Series - Jon Daniels of the Texas Rangers


Incompetence, bewilderment, dysfunction - these are all words that come to mind when I think of Texas Rangers GM, Jon Daniels'. While I do believe there's some petty jealously encouraging my hatred, the main catalyst to my hatred is the slew of lame and poorly written articles detailing Daniels' promotion, and Texas' logic at the time, which was: since Theo Epstein was successful as a young General Manager in Boston, then Jon Daniels should be able to follow the same path to glory. Does it matter that Daniels never worked with or studied under a successful front office? No, he went to Cornell! He's in his twenties! He probably fucks above-average looking women without paying for them - sign him up!

Has this mindset worked out thus-far for the Rangers? Eh, no, not really. The Rangers have gone 234-252 during Daniels' time at the helm, and he's done a good job of doing nothing to significantly improve the team. So, let's take a quick look back at Daniels' history as the team's General Manager, just over three full years. I'll assume if you get misty-eyed during the process, it's because you are slowly coming to the realization that you, a lowly nothing in this bustling world, could have been something more important, considering how bad Jon Daniels is at his job.

*Sniff*, I'm with you pal...


12/8/05
Alfonso Soriano to Washington for Brad Wilkerson, Armando Gallarraga, and Termel Sledge

I understand that Soriano had only one-year left before hitting the free agent market, but considering they moved Soriano to sign perennially mediocre Kevin Millwood, a contract for Soriano could have been worked out. Also, Brad Wilkerson was uninspiring as a hacking douche, and Armando Gallaragga didn't produce until last season - with the Tigers - going 13-7 with a 3.73 ERA

This is a terrible way to start your tenure - sort of like farting during your first presentation on a new sales account, or nailing your assistant in a supply closet during a Christmas party and getting caught on a surveillance camera. All equally bad.


1/6/06
Adrian Gonzalez, Chris Young, and Termel Sledge to San Diego for Adam Eaton, Akinori Otsuka and Billy Killian

I'm assuming that all the crusty GM's around the league - like San Diego's Josh Towers - were salivating at the thought of ripping off someone - like Daniels - with such limited job experience. I'm also assuming that Daniels was still hungover from some crazy orgy party to really see what was going on here. I assume this was the situation because it's the only way to come to grips with just how awful this deal was. Adam Eaton, really?
Really?

12/23/06
Nick Masset, John Danks, and Jacob Rasner to Chicago AL for Brandon McCarthy and David Paisano

Merry Christmas, Arlington! You thought you were getting a young starting pitcher with limitless potential in McCarthy, but instead you got a brittle, worthless swing-man, while giving up 12-9, 3.32 left-handed starter John Danks to get him! Suck on that nugget while you're getting drunk on eggnog and wishing your brother-in-law would get hit by a UPS truck.



Most critics tend to hawk on the Young/Gonzalez for Eaton trade as Daniels' biggest gaffe to date, but I like to look at the whole tenure as a complete failure. For every good trade - Kenny Lofton for Max Ramirez, Edinson Volquez for Josh Hamilton, there is double the bad. Daniels has also failed miserably to build a decent rotation. Below is a breakdown of the number of pitchers that started games in each season since Daniels took over:

2006: 12
2007: 16
2008: 15

Obviously signing the likes of Kevin Millwood, Vincente Padilla and Jason Jennings has not been a successful approach to fix the problem. Add to the mix a shitty bullpen, weak draftees, and a bunch of arms that can't holdup for longer than a month, and what you get is the current state of the team.

Until Mr. Daniels is either fired or goes missing into the vast, ghostly plains of Texas, the Rangers offensive production will be annually wasted and I will continue to bash him unmercifully and look at him as intellectually inferior.

/fails to complete People magazine crossword puzzle

My 2 Blogs: 2009 MLB Preview Edition - The St. Louis Cardinals

Not content with barraging their own respective audiences with dick jokery, the authors of Why's My Head Growing? and 3:10 To Joba are working together. The goal? To provide 30 team previews slathered in truth sauce and degrading humor. Yes, that is the world trembling. Previews will be posted on both sites. Wear a cup.

Today your author is J, read him during the week here.



2008 Record: 86-76, 4th in the NL Central

Last Season as an Allegory: You're the guy who can talk to any chick, regardless of looks, at will. You possess the demeanor of a man of confidence and superiority, yet are easily approachable. This last feature dooms you. Instead of flinging themselves into your bed, members of the female populace fling their problems at your ear. You are forever deemed a "good listener," and are too nice to ever be a "hookup." Congratulations, you are stuck in the friend zone with prospects of the big dance looking hazy.

Moves: Traded for SS Khalil Greene and his excellent flow

State of the Union:

There isn't much to say about this Cardinals team. 86 wins and finishing fourth is a pretty substantial incongruity. This team can mash with the best of them and they know it.
While they can swing it well on a daily basis, their pitching and lack of a true ace in the absence of one Chris Carpenter is what has crippled them the last few seasons. What have they done to correct this? Not a damn thing! Whew, what excellent problem solving skills. Luckily the genteel people of St. Louis are too damn nice to complain about anything so continue doing what you're doing, Cardinals. Accountability and desire is for suckers anyway. Have another Busch Light, this one is on me, because it's one of the few beverages a poor college student can afford (Insert grotesque thanks from my failing liver here).

Outlook:


As long as they have Albert Pujols, this team is always worth talking about and watching. The guy is, and will continue to be, a perennial monster at the plate. With Ludwick, Glaus and Ankiel in the heart of lineup around him, this Cardinals team will put runs on the board. On the other hand, a questionable rotation (Kyle Lohse, really?), and an even more suspect bullpen do not a playoff team make. However, the guys at Duffy's in Jupiter can make one hell of a whisky sour. But don't take my word for it, ask Tony LaRussa.

2009 Projection:

Since they are so similar to the rest of the teams in the Central, but with a much better lineup, the Cardinals have a chance to sneak in as a Wild Card. However, they'd likely have to contend with a team coming out of the East and the Red Birds may simply be too many arms short of a contender at this point. You know who isn't short of arms? Durga, goddess of... Oh, who cares, she has ten arms and will fuck your shit up.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Are You Ready for an Uncompetetive and Worthless Baseball Competition?


The World Baseball Classic is a crock. It's a waste of time. It's trivial. It's stupid. It's like me, except it's a competition. Better yet, it's like an ugly stepchild of the World Cup, minus all the injury-themed theatrics. Nobody cares who wins the WBC (with the exception of Roger Clemens, the Cuban players, and Fidel Castro). If you go out and buy yourself a WBC jersey featuring your favorite player representing his respective Latin country, you deserve to be skewered with a wiffelball bat covered in habanero sauce.

Instead of formulating my argument into a concise and objective essay, I'd rather just list a bunch of shit that pisses me off. Here's a quick rundown of things that irk me about this stupid tournament:

- The Italian team's roster is made up of guys whose uncle's cousin's aunts once took a bus tour of Rome and probably poorly reenacted a scene from "Gladiator" outside the Coliseum.

- I've logged more innings than the players representing the South African team, and I'm drunk!

- A-Rod played for the US team last time. Now he's playing for Puerto Rico - wait, so you're a hypocrite and a queer?

- How many of these articles do you want to read? Ohhhhh, they're rivals! Oh no, are they going to get along? Fucking die, fat stupid writer for ESPN. But seriously, it makes me want to jump into the East River, naked.

- Hey 'every player who was born in the U.S., went to school in the US and plays for a professional US team (fuck you Toronto, you can keep Vernon Wells) - guess what? YOU ARE FUCKING AMERICAN. If you want to dispute this, have P.R./D.R./Venezuela pay your salary then, fuckwads.

- The uniforms are a joke. Who fucking designed these things? Your mom's sewing group? Yeah? Well, then she sucks and so do her friends. Tell her to grow up and deal with Menopause like an adult.

Bitter? Yes. But really, is this really necessary? Not at all. And just for reference, if there's ANY World Baseball Classic coverage here, it's either because AK is excited about a AAA Mets player who hit a home run for the Netherlands in 37-1 losing effort, or because I want to dissect the Italian roster horn tattoo by boot tattoo.

Wait a second, that's not a bad idea...

My 2 Blogs: 2009 MLB Preview Edition - The Chicago Cubs

Not content with barraging their own respective audiences with dick jokery, the authors of Why's My Head Growing? and 3:10 To Joba are working together. The goal? To provide 30 team previews slathered in truth sauce and degrading humor. Yes, that is the world trembling. Previews will be posted on both sites. Wear a cup.

Today your author is CRyan, read her during the week here.




2008 Record: 97-64, 1st in NL Central
Last Season as an Allegory: You gather suffering (and maybe even terminally ill) children from assorted orphanages in a room and have them watch live webcam footage of orphans in Philadelphia being adopted.
Offseason Moves: Signed Milton Bradley, traded Jason Marquis to Colorado for Luis Vizcaino, traded Mark DeRosa to Cleveland for minor leaguers, signed infielder Aaron Miles to replace DeRosa.


State of the Union:

If anyone reading this blog is an aspiring writer in the Chicago area, you are urged to avoid the "team of destiny" storyline because it's one Chicago Cubs fans have heard far too often these past few seasons. Good teams, divisional dominance, and then an embarrassing implosion resulting in talks of yet another manufactured curse. Look out for the ESPN "Outside the Lines" article on suffering Chicago Fans and the year-old "Curse of James Loney."

Apparently in Chicago, the strategy to fixing mediocre playoff success is to add dysfunction. Enter Milton Bradley. Carrying one of my top 3 all-time greatest baseball names (in a dead heat with former Oakland A Mike Colangelo), Milton Bradley was signed by the Cubbies to fill the need for a lefty bat in the middle of the order. Bradley hopes to be a solid addition to the Chicago lineup while working to bring down his numbers in "TURITA" (Threatened Umpires Resulting in Torn ACL's) and "TTTPBTDJA" (Trips To The Press Box To Discipline Judgmental Announcers)


Outlook:

Listening to Cubs fans is similar to listening to a mother fawn over her ugly child; there's nothing endearing about epic failure, yet apparently it's a great storyline. The Cubs should have a strong team but their division rivals have also made moves to improve. Even if the Cubs go undefeated and win the World Series in a 4 game sweep over the Yankredeessox (the newly formed hybrid team of Boston/New York) the most exciting thing to happen at Wrigley this season will have been the Winter Classic. Shut up Chicago.


2009 Projection:


People with disabilities always get more credit for simple tasks. The Cubs will compete for the division and the relentless "suffering" of their fans will be shoved down our throats for the entire season and then, as usual, we can all look forward to the ESPN special on the 2009 Curse of the Winter Classic.

Monday, January 19, 2009

My 2 Blogs: 2009 MLB Preview Edition - The Milwaukee Brewers

Not content with barraging their own respective audiences with dick jokery, the authors of Why's My Head Growing? and 3:10 To Joba are working together. The goal? To provide 30 team previews slathered in truth sauce and degrading humor. Yes, that is the world trembling. Previews will be posted on both sites. Wear a cup.

Today your author is J, read him during the week here.


"Well, I may have missed the ball, but at least I caught this chicken wing!"

2008 Record: 89-73, 2nd in NL Central, Wild Card berth

Last Season as an Allegory: You know how you have that one friend who is always willing to help you out? Lend you a pen whenever you need it, for example? You notice how that same asshole is never there when you really need him, like say for a ride to the airport? That was CC Sabathia for the Brewers.

Moves: Signed Trevor Hoffman, Trot Nixon, and Mike Lamb

State of the Union:


After years of wallowing on the outside looking in at the NL playoffs, the Brewers finally broke through in 2008. All it took was firing their manager Ned Yost and having CC Sabathia pitch 8 days a week, but that's cool. It was the season of hope in Milwaukee as the Brewers would finally be playing baseball in October.

Any happiness didn't last long, however, as the team from Wisconsin was quick to find out that having one viable starting pitcher does not a rotation make. Especially if that starting pitcher annually turns to dog shit just in time for the playoffs. The Phillies easily handled the Brew Crew and moved on without pause while interim manager Dale Sveum and company were left to wonder what had changed between their torrid run into the playoffs and Game 1 in Philly. Well, actually, Prince Fielder was just wondering where the post-game spread was, but I'm sure most of the Brewers were questioning their club's failing. Sveum wasn't given the chance at a full season despite effectively turning 2008 around and the Brewers named Ken Macha their manager for 2009.

Despite signing Hoffman, the Brewers pen is definitely their primary concern moving into 2009. Last year some serviceable parts in Guillermo Mota and Salomon Torres stepped in to fill the gaping void generated by Eric Gagne's inadequacy.Now all three are gone and Macha has himself quite the challenge to avoid become the new Mets.

Outlook:


Losing Sabathia and the oft-injured Ben Sheets are no small thing when paired with the bullpen subtractions mentioned above. The Brewers have a solid lineup anchored by Fielder and Braun but their pitching staff as a whole is glaringly weak. Relying on youngster Yovani Gallardo to be the ace in the rotation does not bode well in a division that hitters like Albert Pujols call home. GM Doug Melvin added some nice bench players and solved his closing problem for the time being, but these acquisitions are a lot like the guys who appear on that MTV show Bromance: sure, they think they're straight, but they're really not even close.

2009 Projection:


Expect a regression for the Brewers in 2009. Are they going to tank to 60 wins? Unlikely, but don't expect a repeat trip to the playoffs as the team is stuck somewhere in the taint between rebuilding and competing. It's an awful place to be. And it smells. In the meantime, sausages for everyone!

Friday, January 16, 2009

What Would Chad Curtis Do? Part II



After leaving the Yankees (and professional baseball altogether), Chad Curtis has plenty of free time on his hands. How do I know this? Well, low and behold, after he handed me a flyer for a cheap tuxedo on the corner 48th Street and 5th Avenue, I learned the man still has those strong Christian opinions that really rubbed everyone the wrong way. While pointing out the various styles of tux - tail and top hot included - his knockoff shop offered, he weighed in on the Michael Young situation, without any provocation from me.

The Quandry

Earlier this week, Texas Rangers shortstop Michael Young refused to switch positions in order to give super-prospect - also a shortstop - Elvis Andrus a starting position with the club. Young complained that he had already moved from 2B - his natural position - to shortstop to accommodate Alfonso Soriano, way back in 2004, and thought it was unfair that he should have to do it again for an untested rookie.

Chad's Take

"If the good Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, son of the Almighty God, ruler of the earth and all its galaxies, has given you the natural talent, skill, and ability to excel at one infield position, then you should be more than willing to switch positions. Especially if you're overpaid and untradeable. You have to listen to what Jesus says, because sometimes he gets a sore throat, just like you and I, and it's tough to pick up on what it is he's trying to convey. Take our brother Kirk Cameron for example - when Kirk got caught having sexual intercourse with a 17-year old production intern on the set of "Growing Pains", who do you think he turned to? Alan Thicke? Pshhh, Thicke was too busy drinking scotch and calling Tracey Gold fat to be any help. No, Cameron turned to Christ, and look at him now, a big-ol-bad movie star. See, the good Lord loves to see his brethren turn to him, and not only except, but dominate a challenge. Do you think A-Rod stopped saying his 'Our Father' when the Yankees moved him from SS to 3B? No - and he's already on thin-ice, being a homosexual and all. I wonder if that boy Michael Young is a homosexual too - maybe that's the reason he won't move down to the corner? Maybe he enjoys staring at Kevin Millwood's sloppy ass a little too much? Well, I don't know about all that hogwash, but I do know that I, Chad Curtis, would move to any position to make room for another one of God's gifted children. And hey, look, I can still play ball, seriously, give me a another shot, Jon Daniels!"

(runs backwards like he's tracking a fly ball - runs into hoard of Hasidim Jews)
(knocks off a yarmulke)
(uncoordinated religiously charged fight ensues)

My 2 Blogs: 2009 MLB Preview Edition - The Atlanta Braves

Not content with barraging their own respective audiences with dick jokery, the authors of Why's My Head Growing? and 3:10 To Joba are working together. The goal? To provide 30 team previews slathered in truth sauce and degrading humor. Yes, that is the world trembling. Previews will be posted on both sites. Wear a cup.

Today your author is AK-47, read him during the week here.




2008 Record: 72-90, 4th in the N.L. East
Last (17) Season(s) as an Allegory: You're an unstoppable athlete that was dominant at a very young age. The short-stop/best pitcher on your little league team, per se. This athletic ability carried over to high school. You played three sports and excelled in each of them. You even played a little college baseball and got drafted. Success was all you knew. But that's when things went wrong. You quickly found out that everyone around you is a step faster, and inch taller and a lot stronger. But you ignored such shortcomings and kept pressing, instead of learning another trade. Typing, accounting, whatever, it doesn't matter - just something to fall back on. But no, you kept trying until one spring training, the phone didn't ring. Then, you wake up twenty years later, and all you ever hear is the phone ringing...and that's because you're a pizza delivery boy at 43...Where was I going with this again? I blacked out.
Offseason Moves: Lost Hampton to the 'Stros, Glavine and Chuck James are free agents, and Smoltz signed with Red Sox (along with every other white, Christian FA). Sounds like they need some starters, right? Wrong. They signed Derek Lowe and Japanese import Kenshin Kawakami, and traded for Javier Vazquez (you remember him, the guy who LOVES pressure).


State of the Union:

Things are not good in Atlanta these days, and I'm loving every inning of it. My #1 arch enemy from childhood (aside from the Bulls and Pacers) has FINALLY "officially" fallen on hard times. They've finished below .500 in two of the past three seasons, and there's no Maddux/Smoltz/Glavine/Avery prospect bonanza waiting on the doorstep, arriving just in the nick of time to bail them out. A lot went wrong for them last year, including (but not limited to) getting virtually zero production from their entire outfield and having an astounding eleven pitchers carousel through their starting rotation. Most of this was due to injuries, but poor planning played a part. Jeff Francoeur's collapse didn't help matters, mostly because it was something not many people thought was possible. He played so poorly that team officials sent him down to the minors for three games, in the middle of the season, to help him get his swing right. Well that, and to get him out of the clubhouse. He was sitting around all day on the couches, eating fried chicken, spitting sunflowerseed shells on the carpet, and crying.

To boot, after they saw the handwriting on the wall and dealt Teixeira (who only hit .283 with 20 homers in his first 103 games for the Tribe - watch out for that slow start Yankee fans!) for Casey Kotchman, the latter shit the bed and gave them nothing to be excited about down the stretch. Starting to get the picture?


Outlook:

Their pitching is spotty, but could work out. We all know what kind of players Lowe and Vazquez are, Jurrjens was one of the lone bright spots on the team last year, new Asians are always fun, and they do have uber-prospect Tommy Hanson on the way. The careers of the two lone offensive bright spots on this team, Brian McCann and Chipper Jones, are moving in opposite directions. The former has recently established himself as one of the best hitting catchers in baseball, and the latter, while still formidable with a bat in his hand, has seen his defense decline dramatically, and is destined to hang up his cleats sooner rather than later. The rest of their offensive is a big fat question mark. Can Kotchman bounce back? Will the middle infielders Yunel Escobar and Kelly Johnson continue to progress, or have they already peaked? Just who exactly, is going to man the outfield?

We'll answer these questions and more next time on, "Who the F really cares about the Braves anyway?"


Projection:

Well, there's good news and there's bad news, and they're both the same thing: They're probably going to suck again next year. ZING!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Creepy Comparison #56: Pure Genius


As a kid, I watched "Three's Company" like it was my job. What I could never understand, though, was why didn't John Ridder ever plow Suzanne Somers? Hell, she still looks good now, and she's 72. But back then, Jack was always stuck deciding between Suzanne and the gay chick that looked like a Japanese Anime character. Never understood that one...

Anyway, Mr. Furley - aka Don Knotts - was amazing. He was old and ornery - I'm guessing it was because of the hemorrhoids, but who really knows? One time when I was in college, two kids who lived on my floor were tripping balls on acid. They kept saying "Shhh, Mr. Furley is coming!" Then, they would laugh hysterically. Later on that night, they both walked into the woods and never returned. It was weird, but kind of nice that they included Mr. Furley in their drug hallucinations.

What's left to be said about the man on the left? He turned Jeff Weaver, Anthony Reyes and Jeff Suppan into World Series winning pitchers. He also made Kyle Lohse, Todd Wellenmeyer and Braden Looper not suck. He converts starters to relievers and vice-versa like he's buying cigarettes for minors - it's that easy. Meet Dave Duncan. He'll have you ready for Opening Day by next Tuesday. But make sure you call him "Mister" Duncan, that informal shit does not fly with him at all.


*All the past Creepy Comparisons have been tagged and numbered. Click on the keyword and enjoy a bevvy of our retarded jabber from the past year.