Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Are You Ready for an Uncompetetive and Worthless Baseball Competition?

The World Baseball Classic is a crock. It's a waste of time. It's trivial. It's stupid. It's like me, except it's a competition. Better yet, it's like an ugly stepchild of the World Cup, minus all the injury-themed theatrics. Nobody cares who wins the WBC (with the exception of Roger Clemens, the Cuban players, and Fidel Castro). If you go out and buy yourself a WBC jersey featuring your favorite player representing his respective Latin country, you deserve to be skewered with a wiffelball bat covered in habanero sauce.

Instead of formulating my argument into a concise and objective essay, I'd rather just list a bunch of shit that pisses me off. Here's a quick rundown of things that irk me about this stupid tournament:

- The Italian team's roster is made up of guys whose uncle's cousin's aunts once took a bus tour of Rome and probably poorly reenacted a scene from "Gladiator" outside the Coliseum.

- I've logged more innings than the players representing the South African team, and I'm drunk!

- A-Rod played for the US team last time. Now he's playing for Puerto Rico - wait, so you're a hypocrite and a queer?

- How many of these articles do you want to read? Ohhhhh, they're rivals! Oh no, are they going to get along? Fucking die, fat stupid writer for ESPN. But seriously, it makes me want to jump into the East River, naked.

- Hey 'every player who was born in the U.S., went to school in the US and plays for a professional US team (fuck you Toronto, you can keep Vernon Wells) - guess what? YOU ARE FUCKING AMERICAN. If you want to dispute this, have P.R./D.R./Venezuela pay your salary then, fuckwads.

- The uniforms are a joke. Who fucking designed these things? Your mom's sewing group? Yeah? Well, then she sucks and so do her friends. Tell her to grow up and deal with Menopause like an adult.

Bitter? Yes. But really, is this really necessary? Not at all. And just for reference, if there's ANY World Baseball Classic coverage here, it's either because AK is excited about a AAA Mets player who hit a home run for the Netherlands in 37-1 losing effort, or because I want to dissect the Italian roster horn tattoo by boot tattoo.

Wait a second, that's not a bad idea...

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