Monday, January 5, 2009

Baseball Cards Featuring Ugly People

When I was a kid, I had this obsession with baseball cards that just didn't look right. I don't know what it was, but I would pillage other friend's throw-away cards (fuck you Charlie Hough!) and separate anyone I thought looked funny or different. Yes, I was such a curious, blossoming young bigot at the time. And this went on for years - maybe 3 in a row - and nobody ever stopped me. In fact, some people joined in. We would laugh and laugh at large afro's, awful mustache's, creepy glasses until I felt like puking. Looking back on it now as a well-rounded, adjusted man, I realize I wasn't a bigot, I was just a mean little bastard who liked to laugh at the imperfections God bestowed upon these men, no matter if they were black, white, or Willie McGee.

Here are a few I came across over the past couple of days that are just so goddamn awful that I need to put them on display so we can all point and laugh. After all, if you can't laugh at people who are different, then what's the point of being an elitist?

(gets hit by a car)

Who the fuck thought this was a good idea? Is there anything more traumatizing than seeing a boyhood icon posed half-naked like some West Village queen strutting down 7th Avenue? Oh wait, there is - seeing a boyhood idol turn state's evidence, appear on reality TV, admit to rampant steroid use, and rat out every single one of his cohorts to make a quick buck. God, famous people from the 80's fucking sucked.

Look, if you're in your late twenties, you know you wore jorts at one point in your life. Fact. Don't try and fucking deny this. And it's okay to admit it, as long as you don't wear them anymore. But my - and possibly your - saving grace was, I never wore jean shorts like these. At the bottom of the picture, you can see some of his skin. That's fucking gay. I'm sure after this was taken, Trevor Hoffman was escorted out of a Knoxville bar for groping a waitress at 11 AM on a Tuesday.

These cards always got me because the manufacturer was allowed to use a player's image, but they didn't have licensing for the team logos or names. So, instead of looking like an All-Star outfielder, Dave Winfield looks like a cat burglar in a shitty blaxploitation movie from the 70's. Drake's was another violator of this aesthetic code. Also, Winfield looks like the cameraman just asked him which sexual position he prefers with his wife, missionary or reverse cowboy?

I have a feeling that someone dropped a Mickey in Randy's coffee that morning, since he normally has the same outgoing personality as a serial killer. This card makes me shudder.

Is that a fat gang-banger from South Central? No, it's the ageless wonder, Jose Mesa, and a gheri-curl that rivals only Ice Cube's Doughboy portrayal in "Boyz in the Hood".

Wearing a throwback uniform from an era that saw Puerto Rican's used as moving targets for drunken players is always a good way to show your intelligence.


xGooks said...

Awesome. Now I have to leave work early and flip through my 1991 Score box set looking for Chuck Knoblach rookie cards. Thanks.

Do I have the entire "Dream Team" set featuring shirtless Jose Canseco? Yes. Does that make me happy with myself? No. Will I ever get rid of those cards? No.

Doc Holliday said...

Don't forget that Rickey Henderson and Kirby Puckett were also shirtless.

God, those creators were gay....

Mister Turkey said...

Your weirdo boyhood obsessions could have been worse than collecting "different" baseball cards. Ever see the movie "Superbad"? That kid drew like 1,000 penises...

Doc Holliday said...

True, and I'm definitely not ashamed of what was once a burgeoning hatred toward people who were "different".

And it's not like I threw rocks at retarded people, or anything like that. I laughed at fat and ugly baseball players. Sue me.

Douglas said...

I think Randy Johnson is "confused"

Doc Holliday said...


Funny, I think he's drunk.