Thursday, January 1, 2009

Go with the Kid, Seriously


When signing a starting pitcher to an extended contract - one that spans more than two seasons - one must take several factors into consideration before deciding on which free agent is best suited for the job. First, age - how old will each respective pitcher be when the contract expires? Case in point, WMHG favorite Mike Hampton, who just finished a contract he signed in the winter of '83. Second, a pitcher's mental makeup - how does said pitcher hold up against media criticism, fan abuse and bad performances on-field? Kevin Brown is a perfect example of someone who could pitch well in lax environments, but when it came time to throw under the sweltering spotlight of NYC, he crumbled like a recovering heroin addict watching "Trainspotting" on Cinemax. And third and finally, stuff - what kind of overall "stuff" pitching-wise does each pitcher have. This is the category that defines Oliver Perez and Derek Lowe as pitchers.

So, who has better stuff? Perez has the heat, often times reaching mid-90's with his fastball. Lowe has a devastating sinker, forcing hitters to beat the ball into the ground. While Perez can lost command at times, Lowe's first pitch can be bashed. Ollie has buck teeth - Lowe sweats like a fucking porn star. Choose your poison.

If I had to choose between the two, I'm signing Perez, regardless of his California hippie attitude and penchant to take hits from the gravity-bong with the bat boys while relaxing in the clubhouse. Not only is Perez a lefty, but he's also eight years the junior of Lowe. Both are repped by Hitler's grandson Scott Boras, but since the market has gone soft as a fat man's conscious during the holidays, both pitcher's demands have dropped dramatically from where they stood in November. If Lowe gets the 3-4 years he's seeking, there is no doubt that by the end of the contract he will be ineffective and probably washed-up and possibly even suffering from dementia. If Perez gets 2-3 years, he will probably deliver equal numbers as Lowe, with the potential to excel He's still young. He's still influenced by those around him. And he won't die midway through his obligation.

Choose the Mexican lefty - leave sweaty-head Lowe for some AL team to waste their money on. Hint, hint, those chowder eating fuckheads from New England. Fuck game 7 of the 2004 ALCS, that's ancient history.

2 comments:

Bernard Madoff said...

sinker ball pitchers are known to have rubber arms, lowe will give u 200+ innings and is alot more reliable

Al Yankovic said...

I'm sick of watching that stanley spadowski look-alike jumping over the white chalked foul line like he is jumping the mexican boarder..if the mets had any balls they would sign manny he would fit right in with the rest of those salsa dancing cocksuckers in the clubhouse