Wednesday, January 21, 2009

JFKent, the Farewell Address


"It's me, your favorite sour son-of-a-bitch, not to mention Hall of Fame bound, Jeff Kent. I'm happy to announce my retirement today from Major League Baseball, after 17 hearty seasons. Now, most players get up here in front of your sorry asses and start weeping and moaning like some kind of half-a-faggot or something. What, I can't say 'faggot', 'cause the goddamn kids look up to me? Well fuck those little spoiled bastards, they can go hang off their momma's titty for all I care. I'm a free man. Free as the fine L.A. pussy sitting in the stands, waiting for JFKent to get off of work and show 'em how a real man gives it out - not like the rest of these bisexuals hangin' around in this goddamn city. Nobody gets tell ol' Jeff how to speak and what to say, anymore! I'm done with all that nonsense. I'm growing my mustache down to my cock...I'm going to litter...I'm going to attack foreigners for no good reason...I'm going to get drunk on a Tuesday during batting practice and not hide it! I may even strangle a drifter or two under a highway overpass - who knows what all this free time will allow me to do! And up yours, old-timers, if you try and keep me out of the goddamn Hall, I'll come hunt you down and shatter your hip with a garbage can lid! JFKent, retired."

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