Tuesday, January 27, 2009

My 2 Blogs: 2009 MLB Preview Edition - The Los Angeles Dodgers

Not content with barraging their own respective audiences with dick jokery, the authors of Why's My Head Growing? and 3:10 To Joba are working together. The goal? To provide 30 team previews slathered in truth sauce and degrading humor. Yes, that is the world trembling. Previews will rotate weekly between sites. Wear a cup.

Today your author is Doc Holliday.

2008 Record: 84-78, 1st in the N.L. West

Last Season as an Allegory: At a young age, you were tagged to become one of the brightest and best students your high school has seen in years. You boast both bloodline and pedigree - your father and grandfather were both exceptional students - and all signs pointed to a productive, if not significant high school experience. But, when the hype started, you rarely spiked above the average - mostly smoking cigarettes behind the school and dozing off in class. Except for that brief two month period when you began nailing the captain of the cheerleading squad. But then, abruptly, she dumped you because she was bored and you couldn't keep her satisfied any longer.

Offseason Moves: Signed a bevy of scrubs role-players, including Mark Loretta, Guillermo Mota, Brad Ausmus, resigned SS Rafael Furcal and Casey Blake, parted ways with BFABOAT* Andruw Jones, still doing the erotic Manny Ramirez seduction dance as this goes to print
*Biggest Free Agent Bust of All-Time

State of the Union

The team got younger by default, parting ways through both retirement and free agency with Greg Maddux, Nomar Garciaparra, Jeff "That's Mr. Kent To You" Kent, Takashi Saito and Chan Ho Park. Now, the team must look forward to their future, which relies heavy on the farm system. The only problem is, their farm system has yet to develop any sure-fire studs offensively. James Loney - where's the power I was promised? Matt Kemp - is his bigotry toward walks going to rise? Blake DeWitt - we play 162 games in the bigs, my man. But, there is hope in La-La Land. Incumbent closer Jonathan Broxton, albeit portly, can throw 700 MPH. Andre Either looks like a fixture in rightfield. Chad Billingsley, Clayton Kershaw and Hiroki Kuroda comprise what is probably one of the most polite top-of-the-rotations in the national league, second only to the Pirates Paul Maholm and Ian Snell, who are known to bring extra sweaters for chilly members of the media to wear when near their lockers, which tend to get a little drafty from time to time.


Long-Winded Version:
Ned Colletti isn't the smartest guy around. Wait, that's a terrible way to start - Ned Colletti is not a smart guy, by any definition. I don't care if he develops a environmentally friendly alternative to fossil fuel using wheat-grass, or solves a 45-year-old dead-end murder case with nothing more then a magnifying glass, my opinion will never sway - this guy is a fucking idiot. Everyone - even your mom - knows the Dodgers are better off with Manny Ramirez than without him. It's a black and white situation. So why isn't he signed, already? What could possibly make Ned Colletti balk at a 3 or 4 year contract for one of the greatest right-handed hitters in history, when he routinely hands out long-term contracts like a drunk tossing dollars at a pretty bartender? Who in their right mind gives Jason Schmidt that much money? Seriously? Who besides this man? I wouldn't give Schmidt $5 to wash my car, let alone anchor a pitching staff. Juan Pierre is another one - while it's fun to insult his awful freestyle skills, is he even worth half of his contract total? And let's not forget Andruw Jones...I don't know what to say here. Really, I have nothing.

Short-Winded Version:
They could be good, they could suck, depending on the youngsters. Simple as that.

2009 Projection

Out of the five teams in the West, the Dodgers have the best shot at winning the division. But remember, this isn't really a compliment, because the West is God-awful. It's kind of like anointing someone the prettiest person at a gala for lepers. Keep that analogy in mind, Dodgers fans.


xGooks said...

on first load up, only the picture of ned colletti came up, with no words. i was pretty positive that was the entire round up and was sufficiently happy with the level of work put in.

if him and brian sabean played a game of stratego how long do you think it'd last? 4 years?

Doc Holliday said...

Brian Sabean would be to distracted by the scotch tape holding on Ned Colletti's mustache.