Monday, January 12, 2009

My 2 Blog's: 2009 MLB Preview Edition - The New York Mets

Not content with barraging their own respective audiences with dick jokery, the authors of Why's My Head Growing? and 3:10 To Joba are working together. The goal? To provide 30 team previews slathered in truth sauce and degrading humor. Yes, that is the world trembling. Previews will be posted on both sites. Wear a cup.

Today your author is Doc Holliday, read him during the week here.


2008 Record: 89-73, 2nd in the N.L. East
Last Season as an Allegory: Every five days you have porn-star sex with a different hot-as-the-surface-of-the-sun girl, only each time, right before the climax, the girl dies
Offseason Moves: Signed a Rod, acquired a Putz


State of the Union

What else is left to be said about another season, another collapse in Queens? As epic as the fold of 2007 was, last season lacked the suicide-inducing agony, but was still mighty painful to watch (unless you're a fan of another team, then it was sweet). To put it simply, fans knew some shit had to stop.

The worst of the problems? The Mets bullpen - which was an absolute disgrace to the game of baseball, the game's forefathers, and lefty relieving specialist, Jesus Christ. Every time a highlight is run on the MLB network from last season, they should run the Keystone Cops music, because watching Wagner and Co. was like watching a bunch of children try and weld a metal door shut with nothing but a can of hairspray and a lighter. Keanu Reeves teaching calculus has more cohesion than the 'pen did last season under the watchful eyes of the Randolph/Manuel traveling circus. The crew blew 29 saves, total. Yes, 29. That's enough to make a grown man cry.

(Watches AK sob into a Piazza alternative t-shirt jersey)

(Laughs)


Outlook

But, aside from recent past underachievement, there is hope in the little borough that could. The team is moving into a heaping dump built on foreclosures and middle-class blood new stadium. They have the best left-handed starting pitcher in the Universe. And Omar went out and got two primo relievers that will succeed, even if one think God actually gives a fuck about his ERA, and the other has a surname that in Jewish language (not a language), roughly translates to "retard".

Lets go Mets!


2009 Projection

As always, the Mets will battle fan's lofty expectations to compete with the World Champion Phillies, and what is expected to be a meteoric rise by the Florida Marlins. Are the playoffs possible? Absolutely, as long as they sign another starting pitcher and demand that Jose Reyes takes his Midol.

1 comment:

AK-47 said...

I didn't use the Piazza t-shirt jersey to wipe up my 'bullpen tears.' I used the Ventura one for that.