Not content with barraging their own respective audiences with dick jokery, the authors of Why's My Head Growing? and 3:10 To Joba are working together. The goal? To provide 30 team previews slathered in truth sauce and degrading humor. Yes, that is the world trembling. Previews will rotate weekly between sites. Wear a cup.
Today your author is Doc Holliday.
2008 Record: 72-90, 4th in the N.L. West
Last Season as an Allegory: You have the upper-body of a world class bodybuilder. You can bench-press a Toyota - not a hybrid either, one that takes diesel and has sex with women cars. You have flowing hair that runway models develop eating disorders over. Your looks turn heads and drop jaws everywhere you go. But, tragically, your legs were severed in a boating accident three years ago.
Offseason Moves: Added the always surly Randy Johnson, mediocre relievers Jeremy Affeldt and Bob Howry, and punching bag SS Edgar Renteria
State of the Union
Who remembers Barry Bonds? Anyone? Anyone at all? No? Well, seeing that Herr Selig's brainwashing technique worked, and America has officially forgotten about Barry, it's time to start wondering in which direction Brian Sabean is steering this merry ship filled with pop-less mediocrity. Their #1 power threat is Bengie Molina (who I thought died three years ago). Their offseason '08 blockbuster-signing/savior Aaron Rowand was plucked from a dangerous lineup in Philly, dropped into purgatory by the Bay, and promptly returned to Earth. While there are several young, hopeful prospects chugging through the Giants' minor league system, it seems as though none of them are major league ready.
But the saving grace of this club is their potentially dominate pitching staff. In just his first full season in the bigs, staff Ace Tim Lincecum put up a stat line that makes Bill James happy in his pants: 18-5, 227 IP, 2.62 ERA, 265 Ks. Both him and incumbent #2 starter, Matt Cain, are just 24 years old, and if Cain can motivate the offense to score more than 0 runs a start, he may actually flip-flop those 30 losses he's accumulated over the past two seasons. Add in Dandy Randy, a supposedly hypnotized and recharged Barry Zito, and a dozen other youngsters, and you've got yourself a formidable staff.
Bringing in Edgar Renteria isn't helping anyone but Edgar Renteria's offshore bank account, and the same can be said about Randy Johnson, only because Johnson is taking up a spot in the rotation that could easily be filled by one of the Giants minor league blue-chippers. Sabean thinks people will come in droves to watch a cranky 45 year-old man win his 300th game, but I tend to disagree, mainly because I think Sabean is not only mildly retarded, but also an ass clown of the highest caliber.
Anything can happen in the N.L. West - three different teams have captured the division crown in as many seasons - but not because it's super competitive, but because it's super mediocre. Unfortunately, the Giants won't be making a run for the title, at least not until they trot someone better than Randy Winn or Pablo Sandoval to hit third in the lineup. Either that, or fire fucking Rain Man prancing around the front office.