Not content with barraging their own respective audiences with dick jokery, the authors of Why's My Head Growing? and 3:10 To Joba are working together. The goal? To provide 30 team previews slathered in truth sauce and degrading humor. Yes, that is the world trembling. Previews will rotate weekly between sites. Wear a cup.
Today your author is AK-47.
2008 Record: 63-99, 5th in the N.L. West
Last Season as an Allegory: They Sucked. No cute little story. They just sucked.
Offseason Moves: Lost future HOF'er Trevor Hoffman, traded away Khalil "Goldy Locks" Greene, signed SS David Eckstein to play 2B
State of the Union
Dark. Darker-dark. As dark as the inside of a cave far beneath the earth's crust on a moonless night. Bad. As bad as bad can be. As bad as...well, you get the picture. They were terrible last year, and now, there's no sugar coating it, they're set to be worse. There are two good players on the entire team. TWO! I understand that most teams don't have the money to do whatever they want (Yankees) or basically whatever they want (Mets), but come oooonnnn already. If you're on the Padres and your name isn't Jake Peavy or Adrian Gonzalez (tip of the hat to Jon Daniels for him) then you're not worth spit. Even mega-prospect Chase Headley hasn't made much of a splash yet.
I'd love to blame it all on manager Bud Black, but it's just not his fault. For God's sake, their catcher's last name is Hundley and he's not even related to Todd! WTF?! Obviously, without this sliver of a link to that '96 Mets magic, they're F'ed. And here's one last thing to digest - they couldn't score runs last year. But, to balance it out, they also couldn't get anyone out. I'd go further into this mess but it's making me nauseous just thinking about it.
Owner John Moores sold the team because he was getting divorced. Kind of a wacky situation, right? Apparently, one can infer (since I decided to do little to no research) that this hand-cuffed the Fathers this offseason. They essentially did nothing, that is, aside from trying to trade away their best pitcher. That's right, in case you missed it, they tried everything they could think of to get rid of Jake Peavy - straight up trades, three-way deals, returning him to the Cabela's where they got him on sale - except nothing worked. So, what's left after that little mess? A star who previously wanted to be with the club, but now hates the organization. Congrats, guys.
It's January 28th and the season is over. FACT. They'll be battling it out with the Nationals and Pirates for last place in the N.L. once again.