Not content with barraging their own respective audiences with dick jokery, the authors of Why's My Head Growing? and 3:10 To Joba are working together. The goal? To provide 30 team previews slathered in truth sauce and degrading humor. Yes, that is the world trembling. Previews will be posted on both sites. Wear a cup.
Today your author is J, read him during the week here.
2008 Record: 86-76, 4th in the NL Central
Last Season as an Allegory: You're the guy who can talk to any chick, regardless of looks, at will. You possess the demeanor of a man of confidence and superiority, yet are easily approachable. This last feature dooms you. Instead of flinging themselves into your bed, members of the female populace fling their problems at your ear. You are forever deemed a "good listener," and are too nice to ever be a "hookup." Congratulations, you are stuck in the friend zone with prospects of the big dance looking hazy.
Moves: Traded for SS Khalil Greene and his excellent flow
State of the Union:
There isn't much to say about this Cardinals team. 86 wins and finishing fourth is a pretty substantial incongruity. This team can mash with the best of them and they know it.
While they can swing it well on a daily basis, their pitching and lack of a true ace in the absence of one Chris Carpenter is what has crippled them the last few seasons. What have they done to correct this? Not a damn thing! Whew, what excellent problem solving skills. Luckily the genteel people of St. Louis are too damn nice to complain about anything so continue doing what you're doing, Cardinals. Accountability and desire is for suckers anyway. Have another Busch Light, this one is on me, because it's one of the few beverages a poor college student can afford (Insert grotesque thanks from my failing liver here).
As long as they have Albert Pujols, this team is always worth talking about and watching. The guy is, and will continue to be, a perennial monster at the plate. With Ludwick, Glaus and Ankiel in the heart of lineup around him, this Cardinals team will put runs on the board. On the other hand, a questionable rotation (Kyle Lohse, really?), and an even more suspect bullpen do not a playoff team make. However, the guys at Duffy's in Jupiter can make one hell of a whisky sour. But don't take my word for it, ask Tony LaRussa.
Since they are so similar to the rest of the teams in the Central, but with a much better lineup, the Cardinals have a chance to sneak in as a Wild Card. However, they'd likely have to contend with a team coming out of the East and the Red Birds may simply be too many arms short of a contender at this point. You know who isn't short of arms? Durga, goddess of... Oh, who cares, she has ten arms and will fuck your shit up.