Tuesday, January 13, 2009

My 2 Blogs: 2009 MLB Preview Edition - The Washington Nationals


Not content with barraging their own respective audiences with dick jokery, the authors of Why's My Head Growing? and 3:10 To Joba are working together. The goal? To provide 30 team previews slathered in truth sauce and degrading humor. Yes, that is the world trembling. Previews will be posted on both sites. Wear a cup.

Today your author is Doc Holliday, read him during the week here.



2008 Record: 59-102, 5th in the N.L. East
Last Season as an Allegory: You're a Canadian import/rich kid with no friends and zero credibility amongst your peers. Teachers can't find one bright spot in your burgeoning personality that may provide some hope for the future. You hang out with foreign exchange students. And you're gay.
Offseason Moves: Traded for streaky Scott Olson and underachieving Josh Willingham, signed wild-pitch perfectionist Daniel Cabrera


State of the Union:

Nobody took the Nationals seriously when they said they wanted to pursue Mark Teixeira via free agency - not even Texeira. When the Nats balked at his price tag, they looked to Adam Dunn and Orlando Hudson. Then, they balked again. They're like a soccer mom searching the clearance racks at Kohl's for a Versace dress. If you want to be a player, then spend. If you want to develop talent from within, then draft well. The Nats do neither, but still can't understand why they're fucking terrible, year after year. Nick Johnson is fat and soft, Daniel Cabrera (I'm convinced) is blind, Elijah Dukes kills people, and Lasting Milledge raps about killing people. Add those elements up and you have a pretty awful team. And make sure to throw in Ronnie Belliard just for good measure. The only bright spot is Ryan Zimmerman, who may take the samurai way out, sooner or later.


Outlook:

The team is up against the World Champion Phillies, the always competetive - until September 21 - New York Mets (BOOM!), and the green, but lurking Florida Marlins. While Elijah Dukes could surprise skeptics by not choking-out any of his teammates and put up some gaudy numbers, it remains to be seen if he is a) mentally stable, and b) not going to kill more people. Their pitching staff is a mess, their bullpen isn't much better, and it remains to be seen if franchise player Ryan Zimmerman can stay healthy and be a team leader instead of losing interest in May and then start worrying more about his groupie-fucking performance than his on-field performance.


2009 Projection:

You want a prediction about this league next season, you're asking the wrong blogger. But I'll give you a team prediction: It's gonna be cold, it's gonna be grey, and it's gonna last them for the rest of their lives.

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