Thursday, January 15, 2009

My 2 Blogs: 2009 MLB Preview Edition - The Florida Marlins

Not content with barraging their own respective audiences with dick jokery, the authors of Why's My Head Growing? and 3:10 To Joba are working together. The goal? To provide 30 team previews slathered in truth sauce and degrading humor. Yes, that is the world trembling. Previews will be posted on both sites. Wear a cup.

Today your author is Doc Holliday, read him during the week here.

2008 Record: 84-77, 3rd in the N.L East
Last Season as an Allegory: You're a pre-pubescent boy who grows six inches over the course of six months and then discovers he's stronger than his washed-up father
Offseason Moves: Singed physically and emotionally disturbed reliever Scott Proctor and Mitchell Report darling Jay Gibbons

State of the Union

Here's how it goes in South Florida - The Marlins win, the Marlins clean house, pundits and skeptics alike berate owner Jeffrey Loria for being a cheap bastard, the Marlins develop young talent, the Marlins win, pundits and skeptics drop to their knees and praise small market baseball, the Marlins clean house once again. Wash, rinse, repeat. Does this sum up the franchise's existence? Pretty much. And it seems as though the kids from Miami are ready to do it all over again, if not this year, then definitely in the near future. They're stacked both offensively and defensively, with a rotation led by Gheorghe Muresan Josh Johnson and Ricky Nolasco, and a lineup featuring you-bet-you-fucking-ass-he'll-be-traded-by-2011 Hanley Ramirez and 2008 All-Star Game defensive phenom Dan Uggla. They also have blue-chippers Andrew Miller and Cameron Maybin waiting to break out, and an army of young arms that have the potential to baffle the rest of the N.L. East for years to come.

*Factoid that will make you wish you were rich: Did you know Jeffrey Loria initially made his fortune as an art dealer in NYC? A fucking art dealer? Not an artist. An art-fucking-dealer. And now he controls an MLB franchise that has won two World Series rings over the past 10 seasons. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to know shit like this, because then getting through another day of work would be a little less painful...


As I said earlier, this team is ready to do some unseating in their division. They're like Lyme's disease - just when you thought you had it kicked, suddenly your knees swell to the size of bowling balls and you're barfing into a garbage can on the street - I've seen it a hundred times...

But seriously, if I was a Mets/Phillies fan, I would be slightly nervous.

2009 Projection

Honestly, I can't see them winning it all this year. But then again, I wouldn't be surprised if they did. Hey look, I'm Tim McCarver! Did you know the harder a ball breaks, the tougher it is for a hitter to pick up on it? That's something else, huh? Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go get a soda and then get lost in my own living room for 7 hours. Back to you Joe Buck!


puddy said...

Great post (and great fucking blog, guys... how did I not find out about you until today??? <-- look, 3 "?"s)

the marlins are looking nice - no doubt about it. it would be very interesting to see the m's swoop in for a 1-year manny deal... but that aint gonna happen.

i'm not completely sold on their rotation... but, probably because i'm older than every single pitcher on their roster. i realize this says much more about me than the m's.

ahhhh, just looked again... i'm older than every single beisbol player on their roster.

excuse me while i go write my "bucket list".

Doc Holliday said...

I think only Mark Hendrickson was older than me last season, and now he's moved on to shittier pastures, I trump the Marlins, age-wise.

Not sure how you didn't hear about us - considering we do a terrible job at marketing this blog even though we both work in Marketing...

xGooks said...

I'm sure if you viewed piss videos, you would have heard ALLL about it.

Doc Holliday said...


Could not have said it better myself.

puddy said...

i really don't have anything else to say. just wanted it on the record that my word verification is "pooden".

seacrest out.

Doc Holliday said...


Believe it or not, that's how xGooks got his name.

True Story

J said...

Wait, you mean I'm supposed to be marketing my blog? Well fuck me, I was just writing down shit so I wouldn't forget it.

xGooks said...


and i love (re: really hate) gooks.