Tuesday, January 20, 2009

My 2 Blogs: 2009 MLB Preview Edition - The Chicago Cubs

Not content with barraging their own respective audiences with dick jokery, the authors of Why's My Head Growing? and 3:10 To Joba are working together. The goal? To provide 30 team previews slathered in truth sauce and degrading humor. Yes, that is the world trembling. Previews will be posted on both sites. Wear a cup.

Today your author is CRyan, read her during the week here.

2008 Record: 97-64, 1st in NL Central
Last Season as an Allegory: You gather suffering (and maybe even terminally ill) children from assorted orphanages in a room and have them watch live webcam footage of orphans in Philadelphia being adopted.
Offseason Moves: Signed Milton Bradley, traded Jason Marquis to Colorado for Luis Vizcaino, traded Mark DeRosa to Cleveland for minor leaguers, signed infielder Aaron Miles to replace DeRosa.

State of the Union:

If anyone reading this blog is an aspiring writer in the Chicago area, you are urged to avoid the "team of destiny" storyline because it's one Chicago Cubs fans have heard far too often these past few seasons. Good teams, divisional dominance, and then an embarrassing implosion resulting in talks of yet another manufactured curse. Look out for the ESPN "Outside the Lines" article on suffering Chicago Fans and the year-old "Curse of James Loney."

Apparently in Chicago, the strategy to fixing mediocre playoff success is to add dysfunction. Enter Milton Bradley. Carrying one of my top 3 all-time greatest baseball names (in a dead heat with former Oakland A Mike Colangelo), Milton Bradley was signed by the Cubbies to fill the need for a lefty bat in the middle of the order. Bradley hopes to be a solid addition to the Chicago lineup while working to bring down his numbers in "TURITA" (Threatened Umpires Resulting in Torn ACL's) and "TTTPBTDJA" (Trips To The Press Box To Discipline Judgmental Announcers)


Listening to Cubs fans is similar to listening to a mother fawn over her ugly child; there's nothing endearing about epic failure, yet apparently it's a great storyline. The Cubs should have a strong team but their division rivals have also made moves to improve. Even if the Cubs go undefeated and win the World Series in a 4 game sweep over the Yankredeessox (the newly formed hybrid team of Boston/New York) the most exciting thing to happen at Wrigley this season will have been the Winter Classic. Shut up Chicago.

2009 Projection:

People with disabilities always get more credit for simple tasks. The Cubs will compete for the division and the relentless "suffering" of their fans will be shoved down our throats for the entire season and then, as usual, we can all look forward to the ESPN special on the 2009 Curse of the Winter Classic.

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