Not content with barraging their own respective audiences with dick jokery, the authors of Why's My Head Growing? and 3:10 To Joba are working together. The goal? To provide 30 team previews slathered in truth sauce and degrading humor. Yes, that is the world trembling. Previews will be posted on both sites. Wear a cup.
Today your author is J, read him during the week here.
2008 Record: 74-88, 5th in the NL Central
Last Season as an Allegory: You are an established major league franchise that plays home games in a launching pad of a ballpark. Despite this, you struggle to post a winning record there, and then proceed to go 19 games under .500 on the road. In short, you suck. Wait a minute, this doesn't seem like allegory at all. This is just the blatant truth. Oh well, moving right along.
Offseason Moves: Signed Willy Taveras, acquired Ramon Hernandez from the Orioles
State of the Union:
The discussion about the Reds begins and ends with the man at the helm: Dusty Baker. The guy's credo, "I've never not met a pitch count I didn't like," has doomed young arms in the past (see: Prior, Mark). Lovers of Edinson Volquez and believers in Homer Bailey have a lot to be concerned about. Proverbial bastion of suck Corey Patterson was shown the door in favor of Willy Taveras, proof that GM Walt Jocketty seems hell-bent on stretching the definition of "upgrade" as far as it will go. Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't the purpose of getting this Jocketty guy so that he could bring his front office "genius" he demonstrated with the Cardinals to turn the Reds franchise around? Willy Taveras will do no "turning around." He may turn you around, but then he'll keep turning around until you're facing the original direction.
The Reds do have two promising young hitters to build around in Joey Votto and Jay Bruce, and any lineup can score runs in that ballpark, but as is so often the case, the Reds lack a solid pitching staff to be anything of a relevant factor. Heck, even if they had a pitching staff, Dusty would break it, so perhaps this is for the best. The departure of one Ken Griffey Jr. makes this team about as watchable as a Tyler Perry movie for a white person. If I were a Reds fan, I would be too depressed about the fact that Votto and Bruce are wasting away their youth to watch them on daily basis. It would remind me too much of unfulfilled potential. Grab some chili, Reds fans, it's going to be a long season. Oh, and while you're at it, knuckle down for the next 11 years or so because you might not be relevant until then either.
5th place! Again! Wheeeeeeeeeee!