Not content with barraging their own respective audiences with dick jokery, the authors of Why's My Head Growing? and 3:10 To Joba are working together. The goal? To provide 30 team previews slathered in truth sauce and degrading humor. Yes, that is the world trembling. Previews will rotate weekly between sites. Wear a cup.
Today your author is J, read him during the week here.
2008 Record: 86-75, third in the NL Central
Last as an Allegory: In 2005 you were dumped by your girlfriend after you proposed to her at an Outback Steakhouse. Since then you have had serious problems with women. You are late to recognize when members of the fairer sex are interested in you and talk to them for several minutes before clumsily cramming the important and interesting things at the end of the pickup conversation. Alas, it is too little, too late and the ship has sailed for the night. Repeat this ad infinitum at whatever drinking or eating establishment you have chosen to slather with your lonliness that evening. You end up going home alone, yet again. Or with a dude.
Offseason Moves: Re-signed Jose Valverde, signed Mike Hampton, Doug Brocail
State of the Union:
As always seems to be the case, the Astros punctuate their season with momentary, furious hot streaks wherein they seem unbeatable but then follow these with stretches of laughable losses that keep them from reaching the playoffs. As has been said about every non-Cub team in the Central (except the Pirates, obviously), the Astros have a decent lineup anchored by the Lance Berkman/Carlos Lee tandem that can definitely score some runs. They also have good young talent to build around in Hunter Pence; however, outside of Roy Oswalt, the starting rotation is spotty at best. How can you trust a guy named "Wandy" to be your number two starter? That name is so gay it makes Harvey Milk seem like Hugh Hefner.
The Astros actually boast a pretty solid bullpen and if they could get a hold of one established starter to back up Roy Oswalt they would become a factor in the Central race. However, this rotation help won't be coming from inside the organization anytime soon as the Astros have one of the worst farm systems in all of baseball. As a double "up yours", the Astros always seem to finish with a fairly good record that prevents them from having good draft status. Damnit, guys, don't you know how to suck the right way? Take some notes from the Pirates and maybe you'll learn a thing or two about failure.
Playoffs seem like a very distant stretch, but finishing high in the division is not out of the question. That sounded like it came from a fortune cookie. Also, expect more shitty gifts.