Not content with barraging their own respective audiences with dick jokery, the authors of Why's My Head Growing? and 3:10 To Joba are working together. The goal? To provide 30 team previews slathered in truth sauce and degrading humor. Yes, that is the world trembling. Previews will rotate weekly between sites. Wear a cup.
Today your author is Doc Holliday.
2008 Record: 74-88, 3rd in the N.L. West
Last Season as an Allegory: You finished second to a Swiss physicist in the stakes for the 2007 Nobel Prize in science and physics. Second Place is nothing to be ashamed of, though - just the mention of your name amongst scholars elicits excitement and buzz. The world is at your fingertips. But, after returning home to the states from a brief holiday in Milan with a bunch of your science buddies, you find your dog's dead, your wife left you for an electrician she's been fucking behind your back from Teaneck, NJ named, "Hank", and someone spray-painted "Gaylord" and drew a seven foot cock across your house's facade.
Offseason Moves: Acquired Greg Smith, Huston Street, and Carlos Gonzalez in return for their best player/best trading chip, Matt Holliday.
State of the Union
Things looked hopeful at the beginning of 2008 for Colorado - the team was coming off a storybook World Series run, and was returning the majority of its key contributors. Then the baseball gods stepped in and swiftly returned the team back to its rightful place - waist-deep in mediocrity. God doth giveth, God doth taketh away.
Now the team needs to regroup and sort through the ashes of a wasted season. Without Matt Holliday, there is a glaring hole in the middle of the lineup that I'm sure Brad Hawpe and Garret Atkins cannot fill. Jeff Francis hit puberty and regressed. Manny Corpas lost the dominance he showed in late-2007. Frankie Morales pulled a Phil Hughes - hiding an injury, sucking, and the beloved Troy Tulo - to the amazement of every sportswriter that deemed him the next Ty Cobb after 1 season, hit a wall. Simply put, the team is not one that's ready for primetime, at least not anytime soon.
The Rockies have a bevy of young pitchers to play with. Unfortunately, throwing a young pitcher into Denver's thin air and asking them to put up respectable numbers is like asking a college freshman from a dry house to fill Tony LaRussa's stool at the bar. But at least fans can look forward to the eventual Garret Atkins trade sweepstakes in July - Yay!
Instead of me lambasting these poor bastards, let's ask Steve Phillips from ESPN's "Baseball Tonight" what he thinks about the Rockies chances in 2009:
"I like these guys, I really do. They have a solidt core of major-league-ready young talent. Real solid core. And Clint Hurdle is the type of manager who can take you all the way to the top. He can take you all the way up there. He reminds me of Bobby Valentine, if Bobby Valentine had some class and wasn't a no good, thankless piece-of-shit. You see, I hired Bobby when I was the General Manager of the Queens based National League affiliate, New York Mets. During my seven highly successful seasons at the helm, I brought in, among others: Jose Reyes, David Wright, Scott Kazmir, Mike Jacobs, Ty Wigginton, Matt Lindstrom and Brian Bannister. Instead of remembering these ingenious moves, skeptics question the Robbie Alomar and Mo Vaughn signings. Well, I don't. And do you know why? Because I believe in myself and I know what I'm capable of as both an executive and as a man."