Friday, January 16, 2009
What Would Chad Curtis Do? Part II
After leaving the Yankees (and professional baseball altogether), Chad Curtis has plenty of free time on his hands. How do I know this? Well, low and behold, after he handed me a flyer for a cheap tuxedo on the corner 48th Street and 5th Avenue, I learned the man still has those strong Christian opinions that really rubbed everyone the wrong way. While pointing out the various styles of tux - tail and top hot included - his knockoff shop offered, he weighed in on the Michael Young situation, without any provocation from me.
Earlier this week, Texas Rangers shortstop Michael Young refused to switch positions in order to give super-prospect - also a shortstop - Elvis Andrus a starting position with the club. Young complained that he had already moved from 2B - his natural position - to shortstop to accommodate Alfonso Soriano, way back in 2004, and thought it was unfair that he should have to do it again for an untested rookie.
"If the good Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, son of the Almighty God, ruler of the earth and all its galaxies, has given you the natural talent, skill, and ability to excel at one infield position, then you should be more than willing to switch positions. Especially if you're overpaid and untradeable. You have to listen to what Jesus says, because sometimes he gets a sore throat, just like you and I, and it's tough to pick up on what it is he's trying to convey. Take our brother Kirk Cameron for example - when Kirk got caught having sexual intercourse with a 17-year old production intern on the set of "Growing Pains", who do you think he turned to? Alan Thicke? Pshhh, Thicke was too busy drinking scotch and calling Tracey Gold fat to be any help. No, Cameron turned to Christ, and look at him now, a big-ol-bad movie star. See, the good Lord loves to see his brethren turn to him, and not only except, but dominate a challenge. Do you think A-Rod stopped saying his 'Our Father' when the Yankees moved him from SS to 3B? No - and he's already on thin-ice, being a homosexual and all. I wonder if that boy Michael Young is a homosexual too - maybe that's the reason he won't move down to the corner? Maybe he enjoys staring at Kevin Millwood's sloppy ass a little too much? Well, I don't know about all that hogwash, but I do know that I, Chad Curtis, would move to any position to make room for another one of God's gifted children. And hey, look, I can still play ball, seriously, give me a another shot, Jon Daniels!"
(runs backwards like he's tracking a fly ball - runs into hoard of Hasidim Jews)
(knocks off a yarmulke)
(uncoordinated religiously charged fight ensues)