Friday, January 30, 2009
What Would Chad Curtis Do? Part III
After leaving the Yankees (and professional baseball altogether), Chad Curtis has plenty of free time on his hands. How do I know this? Well, low and behold, after he played a delightful rendition of "Amazing Grace" with a keytar on the downtown 1 train yesterday, I learned the man still has those strong Christian opinions that really rubbed everyone the wrong way. While asking for handouts with a beat-up, old batting practice hat he weighed in on the Joe Torre situation, without any provocation from me.
If you don't know why Torre is in the headlines this week, then please return to that shit-hole you call your seclusive life.
"Sweet Jesus, did I see this coming. I have a habit of doing that lately - calling things before they happen. Just this past Wednesday my wife walked into the living room - where I was enjoying a riveting TV documentary on "The Shack" - holding up two plastic containers. Now, I couldn't see the labels, but I said, 'potato salad, please'. She looked dumbfounded. Then she told me she was just about to ask me which one I preferred with my lunch, potato salad, or coleslaw. I reminded her that the Good Lord told me that I should have more starch in my diet, and we both had a good laugh at that, followed by some consensual missionary sex with the lights off. Anyway, Joe needs to give up his greedy ways and find Jesus. I bet it's that Los Angeles that's making him do these things. That city is evil as the darkest crevices of hell. Did you know for almost a year the state of California let homosexuals get married? Imagine that, two men marrying each other. Sounds like some crazy movie plot idea by that guy that wrote "Jurassic Park" - everyone knows those things aren't real. But about that man-man marriage - I mean, isn't anything sacred anymore - how do I tell my kids that two men I don't know got married in a different state? Well, I just won't do it, dammit."
(angrily wipes brow)
(takes a deep breath)
(makes sign of the cross)
(mouths word inaudibly)
"You see that? Just the topic made me cuss. All I can say is, Joe, stay away from all that gay business. If you get too close, next thing you know, you'll be writing a book about how you liked the way Jimmy Key smelled after a bullpen session."