Wednesday, February 11, 2009

#1(s) with a Bullet: Part II


There's no reason to rehash the logic behind this experiment, so let's dive right into the hysterical commentary by me! The NFL. 15 years. 15 picks. Go.


SUCCESSES

1993 - Drew Bledsoe, QB - New England Patriots
Before Mo Lewis crumbled his rib cage and unleashed what is now the Patriots bandwagon, Bledsoe was a 3x Pro Bowler and 2x All Pro. Now, he's nothing more than a footnote in New Englans fan's masturbation rolodexes.

1994 - Dan Wilkinson, DT - Cincinnatti Bengals
While "Big Daddy" never lived up to the hype that comes along with being a #1 pick, he did manage to collect 54.5 sacks AND get arrested for punching his pregnant girlfriend in the face.

1996 - Keyshawn Johnson, WR - New York Jets
Tossing aside my homerism, Keyshawn did have a good, productive career, even if he did insult the greatest white receiver under 5'9''. But he wasn't as productive as he thinks. When asked about his HOF chances, Keyshawn smiled, and held up a picture of him standing next to Denzel Washington. No one had any idea what the fuck he was talking about, so they slowly backed away.

1997 - Orlando Pace, OT - St. Louis Rams
Probably one of the top-five best offensive tackles ever. Anchored Kurt Warner's unprotected-by-God-blindside in Super Bowl XXXIV, was a 7x Pro Bowler, a 5x All-Pro, and had the best grown-man baby-heads in the history of the game. Or is it more of a Garbage Pail Kid look? Either way, it's creepy.

1998 - Peyton Manning, QB - Indianapolis Colts
Runner-up in the "Baby Head" race, Manning has set both the NFL and Hollywood on fire with his precision passing and rapist wit whenever he steps foot on the field or in front of a camera.

2003 - Carson Palmer, QB - Cincinnati Bengals
Say all you want about Carson Palmer's recent injury woes, but if you were on a team that boasted several of the league's top felons, was owned by a walking mummy, and shared air-space with traumatically retarded Chad Johnson, you would want to take some time off, too.

2004 - Eli Manning, QB - San Diego Chargers
Wah, he's not good enough! Wah, he throws interceptions! Wah, he's not as good as his brother. Well, you know what? Get the fuck over it. He's better than any other QB playing in the Meadowlands, especially that geriatric hick tossing interceptions around like they're Percocets.

2006 - Mario Williams, DE - Houston Texans
Hey, remember when everyone and their mother lost their fucking collective minds when they heard the Texans were set to draft Williams over Reggie Bush? Oh, what's that, you remember hearing me say it was a smart move? Yeah? Well, up your ass, dummies.


FAILURES

1992 - Steve Emtman, DT - Indianapolis Colts
His knees had the consistency of Elmer's Glue left out for days in the Floridian sun. But he did show promise when he played, which was primarily never.

1995 - Ki-Jana Carter, RB - Cincinnati Bengals
Carter reeeeeeeks of failure. He could possibly be the worst #1 pick in NFL history. He never amassed more than 464 yards in a season, and tore every ligament below his waist, including his cock muscle.

1999 - Tim Couch, QB - Cleveland Browns
On top of romps with Hooters gals and attempts to perfect the interception, Couch managed to get pinched for taking steroids and abandoned by the league (even Jon Gruden) at the tender age of 27.

2000 - Courtney Brown, DE - Cleveland Browns
Brown gathered 156 tackles, 19 sacks, and 6 forced fumbles...over a 6 year career. See what I did there?

2001 - Michael Vick, QB - Atlanta Falcons
Murdering dozens and dozens of dogs does not make you a "bust". But sucking at playing Qb does, and Vick was never, EVER leading this team to the Super Bowl, so get over it. Yes, he was fast, agile, elusive, blah, blah, blah, but he couldn't consistently connect with a receiver even if they were 7 feet tall and had a wider stature than Keith Brooking's fat fucking head.

2002 - David Carr, QB - Houston Texans
He never fully blossomed as the franchise cornerstone, but then again, I'm guessing that being sacked an average of 50 times per season while with the Texans didn't help.

2005 - Alex Smith, QB - San Francisco 49ers
Considering Pac-Man Jones, Cedric Benson, Cadillac Williams, Trow Williamson, Antrel Rolle, and Mike Williams fleshed out most of the top 10 in this draft, Smith doesn't seem too, too awful. Call it, Catch-22?


SYNOPSIS

TOTAL SUCCESSES: 8
TOTAL FAILURES: 7

SUCCESS PERCENTAGE: 53%

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