Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Carlos Silva Loses Weight by *Gasp* Exercising and Eating Right


Last season was a tough one for the Mariners, and an especially tough one for pitcher Carlos Silva. After being handed ungodly amounts of undeserved money, he reciprocated the kind gesture with a pitching performance that is only comparable to a high-class hooker falling asleep in the middle of sex, and then pissing the bed during the night. He was third in the AL with 110 earned runs allowed, and fifth in the league in losses, losing 15 of his 19 decisions.

You assume the only way to make amends after a year like this is to off yourself with a nail gun. Well, Silva decided to take a different route: He decided to not be a fat, slob anymore. Yes, instead of gorging on vats of refried beans and fried ice cream, he decided to get healthier by hiring a personal trainer, taking yoga classes, and having his wife prepare his meals instead of the fat, gay guy at Chipotle that always hooked him up with extra sour cream.

What a groundbreaking approach to self-betterment.

Unfortunately, Silva is not a good pitcher, and he's going to suck once again, so all you Seattle fans getting your rainy little hopes up need not waste any time; The guy is titanic loser. And have fun with him the next three seasons. Oh, and make sure you tilt the shotgun up when you pull the trigger...

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