Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Case Closed

Well, once again, I've done it. I've solved the Rubik's Cube in mere seconds. I've memorized Pi. I've taken String Theory and Dark Matter to the next level. So, A-Rod, enough is enough. Talky, talky, talky...no more talky. Listen to me, now.

This topic is never going to go away, obviously. We all know that. Nothing can be done or said to magically make people stop thinking you're lying about the details of your 'roid usage. In fact, no one even believes you're really sorry you did it. They all just think you're sorry you got caught. Why? Because all you offer to us are words. Empty, hollow words.

You want people to actually believe your sorry, right? You want kids to actually believe you're sincere when you stand up in front of them and say, "Yes I did it, and I was wrong...Really"? Do you know how to pull that off? Well, I'll tell you how:

Give back your dirty money.

Let's review: First, you signed your $252 million deal with Texas. That money is yours, you earned it. But then you - ahem, I mean your cousin - shot you up with 'roids, and then you blasted your way to even more unimaginable riches. You opt-ed out of your first mega-contract to enter into the definitive, supreme. all-time pact-of-evil with the Yankees that was loaded with incentives, each one more ridiculous than the next, most of them pertaining to your eventual chase of the all-time home run record.

However, the big problem is this new contract was fueled by the needle that pierced your ass. We hear you say "I'm sorry", but we also see you laughing all the way to the bank (and to the podium). So, how can we really believe you're sorry? Give away all the money you earned as a result of your roid-fueled performance, that's how. Give it to charity. Give it to the U.S. Government, they need it more than you. Hell, give it to me. Just don't keep it for your greedy, lying self.

Handing over the money, Alex? Problem solved. We now believe you.

What do you think? Should this jerk cough up the cash, or should he be allowed to keep it to buy more of whatever makes his lips purple and glossy?

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