Friday, February 27, 2009
Don't Believe the Hype
Right around this time every year, when Spring Training is in its infancy stage and Milton Bradley has yet to murder anyone, you start to hear reporters and scouts and GMs and former blind karate instructors rave about perennially injured players hitting the comeback trail. They'll tell you he "looks great" and his arm "is live as a wire" and the ball "was popping into the catcher's glove" and he hit "a dozen balls out of the park".
Well, it's all horseshit. And it's a vicious, vicious cycle of charred, flaky horseshit. I have no idea why these people refuse to acknowledge that, in most cases, said oft-injured player's best days are behind him. Far behind him. Like, disappearing-into-a-cloud-of-severed-hamstrings-and-re-fucked-groupies, far. And there's never any logic behind the lofty hopes and rumors. Yes, each respective team has vested stock in their players, but this is baseball, assholes, the money's guaranteed! So by hyping up the un-hypeable, you're not fooling anyone!
Here's a short list of players you cannot trust. And remember - kill anyone who tries to sway your opinion in a different direction. Seriously, kill them. I know a guy who can get you a gun, real cheap. Everyone will understand. Even your mom, who can't remember shit after her fucking 8 lunchtime pints of Jamo-and-Ginger. What a lush...
1. SP, Jason Schmidt.
He threw 11 pitches - 9 for strikes. HOLY SHIT! that's it, he's winning the Cy Young this year, everyone else need not apply.
2. DH, Travis Hafner
The man who has raped and pillaged fantasy teams worldwide, two years and running, is back again, playing "King of the Batting Cage". Will he continue his tyrannic spree this season? Will you believe the hype? I'd like to think this semi-retarded slugger makes a sweet comeback, but minus the juice, he's never raking like he did back in 2006. Accept it, and move on.
3. SP, Barry Zito
Okay, so Zito was never injured, but he's been a failure of Ishtarian proportions since signing his $785,000,000 deal with the Giants in 2007. But, someone caught the comeback fever, because scouts and players alike are saying he "looks impressive". Well, I hate to break it to those "Milk" loving fruitcakes out by the Bay, but this guy's fastball barely hits 85. His curve is less-than. He's not fucking anyone famous. Get over it, he's a bust.
4. 3B, Eric Chavez
Hey, remember when Chavez was one of the premier third-basemen in baseball? No? Wait, where are you going? Why are you running away? Listen to me, dammit! I AM THE AUTHOR OF A BLOG! I know what I'm talking about! He was good - no - he was great! I swear! Stop, put the bat down, seriously, I'll leave. No seriously, I'll go. Wait, what the fuck, stay away Goddammit, STAY AW-!