Thursday, February 12, 2009
God's Gift to Mankind Wants You to Leave A-Rod and His Bermuda Grass Alone
(enters the room to music from "The Natural")
It's been a rough week for my teammate and fellow corner-infielder, Alex Rodriguez, so I've decided to speak out in his defense - not only because he needs all the support he can get, but also because I've had it with reporters interrupting me while I'm developing this perfect, sandalwood-brown tan that is so pleasing to all eyes that feast upon it.
(exposes tanned abs, receives a chorus of 'ohs' and 'ahs')
Now, I can appreciate what Alex did. He came clean - the best he could - and also shedded some deserved blame on that no-good-reporter from that shit-rag magazine, SI. She invaded his privacy, and she deserves some prison time, or worse, maybe a day in the stocks? Do you know how many reporters I've had to strangle with these gorgeously manicured bare-hands for leaving a cheap Saucony print in my luscious Bermuda grass? I lost count months ago.
The public cannot, I repeat, cannot understand the amount of pressure us Super Stars endure. It's not humanely possible for them to think at such a high level of intelligence. While I personally don't feel pressure, pain, sadness, and especially not fear, I can relate to why Alex felt the need to prove he's the 2nd best baseball player in the world.
*whispering* Obviously, there's no dispute over who's #1.
(brilliant white teeth sparkle)
(women in crowd tear their shirts off)
Now, imagine for 162 days a year, one-hundred-and-sixty-two whole days, you're expected to go to work and perform to the best of your ability, every-single-day? Imagine you're expected to trot out under the blazing sun, surrounded by thousands of people wearing your name on their shirt, cheering for you to hit a home run, and play a game. And when you don't get that hit, they boo you. Can you even imagine a job with more pressure than ours? No, because you don't have the same kind of brainpower that I do, so I don't expect you to understand this.
(chalks up equation on blackboard)
(challenges media to solve it)
Now, if you'll please excuse me, I have to start packing for my two months of grueling batting practice and rub-downs in Florida. Work doth not wait for anyone, even me, the greatest man to ever walk the face of God's green, and heavenly Earth.
And remember, stay off the grass.