Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Indians Go Global, Scout Wrong Continent
People of Cleveland, be prepared to replace those 42x30 Levi's 501's with a nice pair of white nylon slacks. Throw away all of your rock music and get ready for the deafening sounds of repetitive German trance music. Do you like the way this shirt looks? Well you better, because Europe is invading Progressive Field.
Most likely taking cue from another cash-strapped club's mind-numbing offseason move, the Indians became the first Major League Baseball Organization to sign a player from Continental Europe. Martin Cervenka, 17, a catcher from Prague, batted .214 last season for a minor league team from Prague, which is similar to hitting .214 for a local little league team.
Only time will tell how quickly local Ohioans take to this European invasion. Most likely it will be short of never, with a slight chance of, well, never. And it may take a while for young Martin to understand American culture. For example, Americans don't start drinking and driving until after 12am, and they don't eat by the ounce, but by the quarter-ton. Smoking is only accepted if you're on the Tigers, and mustaches are only worn by grizzled veterans and porn stars. But, if he follows these tips, and looks to his teammates for schooling, he should injecting steroids, beating his wife, and popping out illegitimate kids in no time.