Monday, February 9, 2009

A Letter of Blame Apology

Dear Friends, Family and Esteemed Colleagues,

I'm here today with much regret, sorrow and anguish to announce that I, Alex Rodriguez, did in fact cheat. I am a cheater - I took performance enhancing steroids. I'm sorry to all my fans and to all those I disappointed. This has been a bad time and a tough year overall for me.


Before I leave here today, I want to make something perfectly clear - I only cheated when I was a member of the Texas Rangers. Clean as a whistle in pinstripes, dirty as a hooker's bedroom in Arlington. And before I accept full responsibility, I need to make sure you understand that they basically made me cheat. It wasn't an option. When I got to Spring Training, they started sticking me with needles like I was Robert Downey Jr. on the floor of a bus station bathroom. I tell them: I'm no lab experiment - I'm A-Rod. But they don't listen. And it wasn't an isolated incident, either, they made me take multiple cycles. All different creams and pills and hair dye. I felt violated, actually. I think I might be the victim here. They told me if I didn't take steroids, then I'd have to answer to Raffy and Ruben - Jeez, did you ever see the size of those two guys? Blame it all on Texas, I had nothing to do with it. They're the cheaters, not your lovable pal, A-Rod!

So, when you're filling in those HOF ballots in a few years, remember to vote for A-Rod and not Texas. Texas cheated, not A-Rod.

Thank you,

Alex Rodriguez


xGooks said...

"All different creams and pills and hair dye."

That got me.

AK-47 said...

The real tragedy is that even in today's modern times there is still no reliable test for anabolic hair dye.