Tuesday, February 10, 2009

My 2 Blogs: 2009 MLB Preview Edition - The Detroit Tigers

Not content with barraging their own respective audiences with dick jokery, the authors of Why's My Head Growing? and 3:10 To Joba are working together. The goal? To provide 30 team previews slathered in truth sauce and degrading humor. Yes, that is the world trembling. Previews will rotate weekly between sites. Wear a cup.

Today your author is Doc Holliday.

2008 Record: 74-88, 5th place in A.L. Central

2008 as an Allegory: You're a top-tier amateur boxer. Experts have you penned as the next Sugar Ray Robinson. You are set to make your pro debut against a tomato-can-fighter. You step into the ring, surrounded by thousands of supporters and admirers and drooling promoters, all waiting to get a glimpse of the man who is going to set records and change the sport. The bell is rung. You circle your opponent, sizing him up. He swiftly lands a right-cross on your chin. You drop like Lindsay Lohan on a coke dealer. You're counted out. While you shower, weeping like an old lady, someone swipes your wallet out of your jeans.

Offseason Moves: Traded for fat-face Gerald Laird, flash-in-the-pan Edwin Jackson, signed automatic-out SS Adam Everett, eventual Joel Zumaya replacement, Brandon Lyon

State of the Union

Things look grim in the Motor City. Between automotive bailouts, home foreclosures, and a football team that was run into the ground by an ogre-esque retard, there are not a lot of high-fives to go around. The Tigers are no exception. Only a year removed from generous World Series predictions, the team is in serious need of a rebound by many of its key players. Justin Verlander couldn't find the strike zone. Nate Robertson reminded everyone that he is Nate Robertson. Dontrelle Willis took a break from his binge-drinking to suck and suck epically. A surly Kenny Rogers decided it was time to stop cheating, and just quit altogether. The bullpen was a disaster. Besides Miguel Cabrera, the offense wasn't much better. But word is Joel Zumaya absolutely raked in Guitar Hero, eliminating all his competition as the ultimate clubhouse nerd champion. Could his personal success be a sign of things to come?


Aside from the bullpen (BTW - Brandon Lyon is not the answer) the team has a lot of talent. It doesn't matter if Miggy Cabrera is scarfing down yards of deep-dish pies or getting a new perm, he's one of baseball's top-five offensive threats. And being backed by Magglio Ordonez, Curtis Granderson, and Placido Polanco's enormous skull, doesn't hurt. With the emergence of SP Armando Galarraga, the resurgence of Jeremy Bonderman and Justin Verlander, the team has the potential to make a run.

2009 Projection

The Central Division is wide open, and the Tigers aren't that much different than the team that went to the World Series in 2006. But, they need every facet of the team to hit on all cylinders, and if that doesn't happen, Detroit and its fans are destined to stay on suicide watch for another season.

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