Thursday, February 12, 2009

My 2 Blogs: 2009 MLB Preview Edition - The Chicago White Sox

Not content with barraging their own respective audiences with dick jokery, the authors of Why's My Head Growing? and 3:10 To Joba are working together. The goal? To provide 30 team previews slathered in truth sauce and degrading humor. Yes, that is the world trembling. Previews will rotate weekly between sites. Wear a cup.

Today your author is Doc Holliday.

[image courtesy of here]

2008 Record: 89-74, 1st in the A.L. Central Division

2008 as an Allegory: You're a mild-mannered Mathalete who finds out that the school bully, this big Indian sonovabitch named "Red", wants to kick your nerdy ass. After school, he tracks you down in the library. After pissing your pants, you swing wildly and topple the guy. Everyone celebrates you. The next day some new kid from Florida beats you up in the parking lot before school. You are forgotten, once again.

Offseason Moves: Signed Andre the Giant doppelganger Bartolo Colon, traded Javier Vasquez and Nick Swisher for some rye bread, let Orlando Cabrera, Joe Crede and The Kid walk.

State of the Union

Most of Kenny Williams's offseason moves were addition by subtraction. Case in point: Javier Vasquez had the composure of an agoraphobic kidnapped and dumped in the middle Times Square, Orlando Cabrera only cared about his stats, and Joe Crede's back muscles were stiffer than a Tony LaRussa Manhattan. The Sox have a ton of young prospects - albeit untested - waiting for a tryout, and this seems like the year to make it happen, since most of the Central kept their distance from all of the major free agents. In my holiest of holy opinions, Ozzie Guillen is not the type of guy you want manning your ship or planning your vacation or even making you a sandwich at Subway - but really, what do I know?


The Sox stepped in shit with Gavin Floyd (formerly a Phillies minor leaguer who was dumped into the Freddy Garcia trade) and John Danks (flipped for former White Sox blue-chip pitcher turned sour Brandon McCarthey), but now that the schizophrenic righty Jose Contreras is out for the first half of the season, they have to piece together a back-end of the rotation behind Buehrle and the aforementioned youngsters.

Not helping matters is the aging middle lineup in Jermain Dye, Formerly Known as Paul Konerko's Knee, and Jim Thome. Hopefully Carlos Quentin will keep his cool and not ruin my fucking fantasy league punch anymore bats, boosting the cranky old bastards hitting 4, 5, and 6 in the lineup.

2009 Projection

With a recharged Indians team, an up-an-coming *laughing* Royals team, the traumatized, but dangerous Tigers, and the always frisky Twins, the division is wide open and competitive. Nobody is running away with this thing, especially not the the old men from the South Side.

BallHype: hype it up!

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