Friday, February 13, 2009

My 2 Blogs: 2009 MLB Preview Edition - The Minnesota Twins

Not content with barraging their own respective audiences with dick jokery, the authors of Why's My Head Growing? and 3:10 To Joba are working together. The goal? To provide 30 team previews slathered in truth sauce and degrading humor. Yes, that is the world trembling. Previews will rotate weekly between sites. Wear a cup.

Today your author is AK-47.

Wait, they drew it wrong. Where the F is the roof?

2008 Record: 88-75, 2nd place in A.L. Central

2008 as an Allegory: You're girlfriend (Johan Santana) is hot. Really hot. Really, really hot. Unfortunately, you see the handwriting on the wall and realize that she's just with you because she doesn't realize how hot she is yet, and will be leaving you very soon. You decide to make a preemptive strike and break up with her to save some face. After you pick up the pieces of your life, you realize that even though that one girl is gone and out of your life, there are hidden benefits. You now have the freedom to hook up with many many more ladies. So what if they're less-attractive, weird, or psychotic? It's about quantity, not quality, right?

Offseason Moves: Nothing. They lost Adam Everett and Dennys Reyes. They have added no one.

State of the Union

They played surprisingly well last year. They dealt Johan because there wasn't a second option, and everyone expected that gaping hole to swallow up the rest of the Twin City dwellers. It didn't. And they shocked the world by hanging in with the ChiSox neck-and-neck for literally the entire season, right down to the very last day. They finished in a tie with the pale-hose which forced a one game playoff. Unfortunately, they lost the contest (that Santana probably would have pitched) and didn't make the playoffs.


Cold. Oh, that's got nothing to do with how they're going to play next year, that prediction has something to do with this. Yup, that's right - starting in 2010 it's bye-bye Metrodome, hello Target Field. Bye-bye baseball-colored roof, hello blue-colored sky. Can't read between the lines? Ok, let me spell it out for you: the MINNESOTA Twins will be playing baseball games OUTSIDE. The brass does realize that it gets cold and snows in Minnesota during March, April and October, right? I'm fairly certain that most games are played at night, too. I'm also fairly certain that the average-low temperature for those months in Minneapolis is between 25 and 35 degrees. While it's true I've put zero-effort into investigating whether or not there is some sort of magical heating system to keep everyone warm, or if they'll just rely on the impressive body-heat output from the typical Midwesterner, this CAN'T be a good idea.

2009 Projection

They'll be competitive once again, just as they always seem to be, even though they're supported by a minuscule payroll. The M&M boys anchor the lineup, their rotation is young and deep, and their bullpen is nasty. If you follow baseball at all, I can't tell you anything you don't already know about this sort of makeup.

BallHype: hype it up!

No comments: