Monday, February 9, 2009

My 2 Blogs: 2009 Preview Edition - The Kansas City Royals

Not content with barraging their own respective audiences with dick jokery, the authors of Why's My Head Growing? and 3:10 To Joba are working together. The goal? To provide 30 team previews slathered in truth sauce and degrading humor. Yes, that is the world trembling. Previews will rotate weekly between sites. Wear a cup.

Today your author is Doc.

2008 Record: 75-87, 4th in the A.L. Central

2008 as an Allegory: You've been stuck on a desert island for 23 years, near starvation, alone, and insane. And that's it. You're still stuck. Nothing has changed

Offseason Moves: Signed OBP detractor Mike Jacobs, crazy-as-a-the-people-in-line-to-see-"Notorious"-on-opening-night, Kyle Farnsworth

State of the Union

Some people say the Royals are not just a bad team, but also a lame team - one without any wit or personality. Well, I'd like to kindly disagree. After doing some research, I've discovered some very interesting tidbits about this team that will no doubt change all those stereotypes you've created in that demented, porn-filled mind of yours.

For example:

  • Joakim Soria is immortal. His story was quietly documented in last December's issue of Popular Mechanics.
  • Upon learning of his trade to Kansas City from Florida, Mike Jacobs smothered his live-in stripper girlfriend with a pillow case. Former teammate Dan Uggla watched on in horror, and then proceeded to make three consecutive errors while disposing evidence.
  • Alex Gordon still has no fucking idea his team plays in Missouri. He thinks accounting has an ongoing gag with him and his paychecks.
  • All smoke alarms have been removed from the locker room because they give Zach Greinke "the creeps". When asked about the potential fire hazard this causes, head clubhouse attendant Mike Manuel replied, "Fuck 'em" and continued coating Jose Guillen's locker with garlic and holy water.
  • Alberto Callaspo was once a staff writer on ABC's sitcom "Bob Patterson".
  • Jimmy Gobble is actually owner David Glass's illegitimate son from an affair Glass had with a secretary while CEO of Wal-Mart. This completely explains why Gobble has survived this long in the major leagues.
  • Gil Meche's favorite movie is "To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julia Newmar". Brian Bannister has declined his screening invitations over three-dozen times since 2007.


Supporters - and half-wit writers alike - are already dubbing the 2009 Royals "this year's Tampa Bay Rays". While I know there are many people out there who get giddy and worked-up like a child on Meth over just the thought of another "worst to first" transition, I can't, because my heart is blacker than Reggie Sanders. What people fail to realize is - it's not going to happen every single season. Just because the Royals are bad, and have some decent players, does not mean they are destined to achieve levels of excellence that haven't been brushed, let alone fondled, in almost two decades. They were 12th in the AL in runs scored, 10th in the AL in runs allowed, and didn't do very much to improve stature in either category. Yes, Mike Jacobs may help their power troubles, but he also struck out 432 times, so he's a liability in the middle of the lineup. Will Jose Guillen keep his sanity for another year? Can Luke Hochevar, Alex Gordon and Billy Butler transform into top-tier talent? Too many questions, not enough solutions.

2009 Projection

If I lived in Kansas Missouri, not only would I start thinking about mixing a salad into my diet, but I also wouldn't be raising my hopes up too high. The Central is a gallery of potential playoff sleepers, so crowning K.C. as the heir apparent to the division crown would be just plain stupid. And too Fairytale for me. I prefer Depression era novels, with lots and lots of death.


J said...

Former teammate Dan Uggla watched on in horror, and then proceeded to make three consecutive errors while disposing evidence.


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