Tuesday, February 17, 2009

The New Spring Lineup

Times are tough financially, and the world of television advertising is no exception. Extra dollars are sparse, and media buyers willing to take chances on new platforms are even more sparing. Is this news to anyone? No, it is not. But even though I have zero knowledge of the MLB network's bottom-line or projected yearly earnings, I do know a way for them to increase revenue, regardless.

I'll even stamp my guaranteed seal of approval on this tasty little experiment.

/stamps picture of Cobra Commander doing pull-ups on a subway car

So, without further ado, here are a few of my new show ideas for the MLB Network, giving them an easy way to lure those oh-so-precious dollars away from their tight-fisted and skeptical clients.

Monday Night: "Drinking with the Stars"

Synopsis: Who doesn't want to get bombed with Tony LaRussa? "Drinking with the Stars" not only lets viewers watch Tony suck-back blindness-inducing amounts of alcohol, but it also gives every fat-fucking drunk sitting on their couch the opportunity to participate in the fun! Join LaRussa as he explores some our country's seediest and most unappealing watering holes that the human mind can barely fathom. Watch Tony drink into the wee hours of the morning, and watch with skin-crawling anticipation as he tries to find a way home. Will he try to drive? Will he try to walk? Does he remember sucking face with that 200 lb monster named 'Cheryl'? The only way to find out is to tune in again!

*Special regional guests include the D-Train and Joba Chamberlain.

Tuesday Night: "Ex-Heroes"

Synopsis: This unfiltered hour-long weekly series gives America the inside scoop on all of baseball's fallen icons. From A-Rod, to The Rocket, to Barry, "Ex-Heroes" has all facets, diamond positions and types of steroid-abuse covered. Our cameras follow these ignorant, stupid bastards from the steps of the courthouse, to the ballpark, to the doorstep of every washed-up pop star you can imagine.

Wednesday Night: "Passing the Blame"

Synopsis: Join Commissioner Bud Selig, America's new game-show-host-darling, as he babbles on nonsensically about who should be shouldering the blame for a decade's worth of steroid abuse. In between discussions of his most beloved hot dog toppings and favorite ballpark restrooms to take a shit in, watch Bud spin the wheel of blame time after time until he lands on a face or a group that he feels is truly responsible.

Thursday Night: "Everybody Hates Ozzie"

Synopsis: MLB Network's newest sitcom, "Everybody Hates Ozzie", is sure to make you want to track down baseball's least favorite manager, and strangle him with an AV cable. Ozzie Guillen has trouble winning over fans, players, and franchise brass, and yet he's still employed. Watch this weekly series in awe as this fat asshole drops off-color remarks and makes lewd gestures that would send any other manager in baseball packing their bags.

Friday Night: The Late Show with Mitch Williams

Synopsis: On-air analyst Mitch Williams takes his muted personality late into the night with a no-holds-barred Q&A with some of baseball's dullest personalities (see: Eckstein, David), and a peak at some of Mitch's favorite hobbies. Viewers get a taste of Mitch's favorite things to do, such as: chewing a whole tin of Skoal while smoking unfiltered Camels, giving his nephew's haircuts, and throwing snowballs at cars on the highway. There's nothing on television as unshocking and bland as "The Late Show with Mitch Williams".

BallHype: hype it up!

No comments: