Friday, February 20, 2009

The Sheff: All The Way Crazy


Now that Gary Sheffield goes through a court-ordered weekly sedation and his mind has already been poured out into his ground-breaking tell-all book, I was starting to fear Sheff would no longer ramble on to the press about inane shit and question people's racial profile. Luckily, I was wrong.

Here are a few highlights from a recent Morning Sun (yes, I too could not believe that Michigan has a paper called "The Sun"!) article giving fans an update on what the Sheff has been up to.

Has the outspoken, contentious slugger turned over a new leaf?

“I hope so,”

You meant to say, "no", right? Or did I misread that?

Asked about the milestone that awaits, one good swing away — a feat achieved by only 24 players in baseball history.

"That was never my ultimate goal. I always look at things in a Biblical situation. Things happen for a reason. I ended up last season one home run shy. That gives me something to motivate myself."

So, you are motivated by shit you don't care about? That's sort of like saying, "I don't like lobster, but if I don't eat one soon, I'm going to blow my brains out with a homemade hunting rifle."

Last year, in a verbal confrontation with manager Jim Leyland, Sheffield expressed his displeasure at being used strictly as a designated hitter.

“I don’t want to DH,” he declared.

On Tuesday, Sheffield changed his tune. “I’m a DH,” he said, smiling.

“Sometimes you have to deal the cards you’re dealt.”

Or fold and play the next hand, that's probably the correct route to take. If you deal the cards you're dealt, security will throw you out. Trust me, I've tried it, it doesn't work.
And they don't care whether or not you know Lou Whitaker, because he tips the dealers poorly.

Last year Sheffield vowed to “get ugly” and take revenge against his former agent, Scott Boras, who beat Gary out of $550,000 in a nasty, five-year court fight.

“It’s not going to be pretty,” Sheffield threatened then. “No fine is going to be big enough. No suspension is going to be long enough.”

But Tuesday Sheffield refused to even discuss the subject.

“No personal stuff,” he said.
Pussy.

He is just the seventh player in baseball history to collect at least 2,500 hits, 450 home runs, 1,500 RBI, and 200 or more stolen bases in his career, joining Hank Aaron, Willie Mays, Dave Winfield, Barry Bonds, Frank Robinson, and Reggie Jackson in that elite club.

All but Bonds and Sheffield are already enshrined in the Hall of Fame

And that's pretty much the way it's going to stay, forever.

However, on Tuesday that was the farthest thing from Sheffield’s mind. He had more important things to worry about.

“Hey, my pants fit,” Sheffield exclaimed with a grin, pulling a new pair on for the first time.

“That’s my goal every year. I made it again. This is 21 in a row.”

Now that’s an accomplishment.

No, that is not an accomplishment. Getting a promotion is an accomplishment. Having sex with your secretary and not getting caught is an accomplishment. Winning an underground wrestling match is an accomplishment. But fitting into the pants a professional franchise measures you for and then buys you? No, I'm sorry, that is not, on any planet, an accomplishment.

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