Monday, February 23, 2009
What Would Chad Curtis Do? Part IV
After leaving the Yankees (and professional baseball altogether), Chad Curtis has plenty of free time on his hands. How do I know this? Well, low and behold, after I ran into him selling bootleg copies of "Fireproof" in the 6th Avenue tunnel, I learned the man still has those strong Christian opinions that really rubbed everyone the wrong way. While negotiating DVD prices with a customer, he weighed in on the Odalis Perez situation, without any provocation from me.
After signing a minor-league deal with the Washington Nationals, the always mediocre Odalis Perez is refusing to show up for camp.
"I can't understand how this guy actually thinks he's in the right here. I know he speaks that crazy Dominican talk and what not, but how in tarnation can he not fulfill a contract obligation? When the great and forgiving Almighty asked Noah to build an ark, did Noah agree and then refuse a few days later? Heck no! When Joe Torre asked for someone to pinch his ass with a monkey wrench to get the water works flowing for the camera, did I say yes and then renege? No, I grabbed a nice chunk of old, flabby Italian skin and twisted the ever loving crap out of it! When Paul O'Neill asked someone to dress up as his wife so he could punch them in the face to get the adrenaline going, did I chicken out at the last second? Almost, but I stood in there and took the shot. I even screamed like a woman for affect. When Derek Jeter asked for a wingman who wouldn't overshadow his slick womanizing abilities, did I agree to take the friend of the girl Derek was having sexual intercourse with and read her scripture for two hours straight? You're darn right I did, even if I wanted to bail out because I was coercing with a filthy, sinner.
You catch my drift here? You see what I'm getting at? A commitment is like the holy sacrament, you either follow through with it, or you die in a fiery lake filled with gays, investment bankers, and Heath Ledger."
*Update - Looks like the Nats took Chad's advice and dumped the moron...