Friday, March 27, 2009

The Fantasy Non-Guru

I'll be the first to admit that historically, I've been a failure at fantasy sports. If fantasy sports were revered by the community and not just a select few of nerds and gambling addicts, I'd be shunned like an ancient Japanese boy refusing the way of the Shogun.

But it's not. And with each passing year and each passing draft, I garner hope. Yes, me, the cynical son, has the ability to wrap his arms around a ray of light and hold on for dear life. And yes, I've done it again.

This year, I went into the draft with a new philosophy - no over-thinking. Is this the best route to take? Probably not. But fuck it - a new strategy may be the key to silencing the critics who have labeled me a fantasy bust.

Anyone looking for fantasy insight or analysis, skip this article - it's purely self-absorption. If you want to read how my first draft went and laugh at my shortcomings - read on.

I had the 6th pick overall. The league is head-to-head. Let the nerdiness commence.

Round 1: Miguel Cabrera - 1B/3B
If history repeats itself, I will have successful ruined another fantasy stud. If not, I hope Miggy can repeat last years rake-fest.

Round 2: Carlos Beltran - OF
Meh. I balked on Lance Berkman, as I do every year, and when he's hitting .330 in July, I will trade a load for him, only to watch his statistics decline the rest of the season. Mix, stir, repeat.

Round 3: Kevin Youkilis - 3B/1B
My arch-nemesis. But look at this way - if he gets hurt or begins to suck, my jinx will work. If he performs well, hooray for my team. Believe it or not, since I care more about real-life baseball than fantasy baseball, I pulling for the former.

Round 4: Roy Halladay - SP
I swore off pitchers until at least this round. When I saw Halladay sitting there, I had to grab him. I wanted an anchor, and he's an anchor. Unfortunately his team's offense is as potent as a Fausto Carmona rabbit-punch, so this may end up being a real waste.

Round 5: Matt Kemp - OF
My theory is production over potential. Kemp is young, and has the ability to become a star. Adhering to my own babbling bullshit is obviously something I'm not very good at.

Round 6: Alex Rios - OF
I had him last year, and besides stealing a bunch of bases, he underachieved. So what do I do? Draft him again! It could work, right? Right? Oh well...I suck.

Round 7: Francisco Liriano - SP
I did not over-think this pick. But I probably should have.

Round 8: Jhonny Peralta - SS
This was purely a need pick, but I got the best offensive AL shortstop from 2008.

Round 9: Joakim Soria - RP
Soria is nasty, but his whole statistical year depends on the Royals offensive producing, which is sort of like dating a fat girl with a nice face in hopes that she sheds a ton (no pun - WUCKA WUCKA) of weight.

Round 10: Chris Ianetta - C
I have no clue. It happened so quick, next thing I knew, we were in round 11...

Round 11: Joey Votto - 1B/Util
Another guy I'm banking on to have a big season. I did the same thing with Alex Gordon 2 years ago, and look how that turned out! Again, I can't say this enough - I suck.

Round 12: B.J. Ryan - RP
My top two closers are on Kansas City and Toronto. Wow. Just, wow.

Round 13: Josh Johnson - SP
When the Marlins are competing for 1st place this summer, Johnson will be the main part of it. Oh, and that guy Hanley. But Johnson, mostly.

Round 14: Howie Kendrick - 2B
He's averaged 84 games a season over his three years with the Angels. Awful, awful, awful, AWFUL pick. Loosening the wheels now.

Round 15: Pat Burrell - OF
He still has power, and he may suffer from leaving that Little League Field in Philly, but he'll still have good protection i nthe lineup. Hopefully he doesn't catch the clap from some Florida white-trash.

Round 16: Clayton Kershaw - SP
Innings limit aside, he could end up as the Ace in Dodgertown.

Last 4 Rounds:
- Randy Johnson - SP
- Huston Street - RP
- Jose Lopez - 2B
- Shin-Soo Choo - OF

Choo is a sleeper, Randy can still throw, Lopez is already starting over Kendrick on my team and Street is competing for the closer position after giving up 7 runs in 8 innings this spring, meaning I'll drop him, then he'll turn lights-out, and I'll ram my head through some dry-wall.

There are 9 days left until the regular season begins. God has shown us the light. My fantasy team? Not so much...

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