Wednesday, March 18, 2009

From Here On Out, You Will Be Known As "Smith"

In the late 19th century and early 20th century, when immigrants left Europe in droves and crossed the Atlantic toward America seeking freedom, prosperity, and a sweet place to extort business owners and flip politicians, many families had their surnames forcefully changed. Why? Mainly because most workers on Ellis Island were lazy as all-fuck, but also because they didn't want to process families that had names with 78 consecutive consonants.

When you sit back and gauge the scope of the operation, it sort of makes sense - they don't speak English, we speak English - so let's change their name from "Rozhdestvensky" to "Rogers". Fuck it, they'll never know...

As a hack blogger respected writer, I would like to implement this process with some of today's players. I'm lazy as all-fuck, and without Google and a spell-check, I'm borderline illiterate. So, here are my top ten players who are in need of a name adjustemnt. As an added bonus, I'm providing said change. Enjoy, I'll be checking my bags at the gates of hell.

Current Name: Doug Mientkiewicz - 1B, Los Angeles Dodgers
New Name: Doug Myspace.
Reason: It's both topical and yet somehow douchey enough to fit him.

Current Name: Jeff Samardzija - SP/RP, Chicago Cubs
New Name: Jeff Samsonite
Reason: Not only does it reek of indestructibility, but it also encompasses a great, yet obvious, movie homage.

Current Name: Mark Grudzielanek - 2b, Free Agent
New Name: Mark Gonorrhea
Reason: Because who wouldn't love to read a headline that says: "Red Sox add Gonorrhea to the clubhouse".

Current Name: Jair Jurrjens
New Name: Jackson Flamethrower
Reason: Because "Jackson Flamethrower" is a whole lot better than his real name, which sounds like it belongs to a female Olympic figure skater.

Current Name: Justin Duchscherer
New Name: Billy Beane 2.0
Reason: Since he already owes his baseball - and possibly human - existence to Billy Beane, then why not take the linear name of his "father"?

No comments: