Friday, March 6, 2009
God's Gift to Mankind Addresses the A-Rod Injury
Nobody wants to say, "good riddance" to a teammate. Ever. It's not only mean-spirited, but also rude and socially reprehensible. But then again, I'm not "nobody". In fact, I am the epitome of "somebody". So that's why I'm going to say, "good riddance" to A-Rod. Would you like me to say it in 1 of the 17 other languages I speak fluently - backwards? No? Well, let me know if you change your mind.
(walks across surface of hotel Koi Pond)
So where do The Yankees go from here? Well, it shouldn't be too much of a concern, especially with me here. I plan on not only taking on Alex's missed production, but also the production of Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Joe DiMaggio, Mickey Mantle and Steve Balboni. Why Steve Balboni, you ask? Because his mustache fucking raked, that's why.
(makes pectoral muscles dance to a chorus of ohhs and ahhs from crowd)
And just in case there is an in-house riff amongst my fellow teammates when A-Rod returns, especially if we are undefeated (where I plan on being by Mid-May, actually), then I will have no choice but to personally assume the financial commitment the Yankees owe to Alex. I will also have him offed by a derelict named Cooper that lives underneath my parking garage. How can I payout $250 million? Well, unlike you, I am immune not only to the recession, but also to the effects of inflation and malaria. Yes, you heard me - I fucking drink malaria-infested water for breakfast, how else do you think I get my hair to grow so thick and shiny and deadly?
(gets into Time Machine)
(fucks Marilyn Monroe)