Monday, March 16, 2009

Jimmy Rollins Wants to Kill You


Media boner and New York Mets public enemy #1, Jimmy Rollins, has made it clear that he doesn't just hate those lovable losers in Queens: He wants to murder every fan of any team in the tri-state area. Well, maybe he didn't go that far, but he did make it abundantly clear that he doesn't just want to beat the New York teams, he wants to bury them.

Here are a few of the more colorful quotes from the interview:
"That's something for the history books, Philadelphia knocking off two New York teams. I might retire. I mean, what else can I do after that?"
I don't know, maybe gut Carlos Beltran in front of his grandparents?
"When you play in a city like Philadephia, you better be ready."
Because if you're not, you will be raped by a bum named Harry who lives under the I-95 overpass. That's how Philly do!
"We enjoy hating the other teams..."
Please convey this type of sportsmanship to the Boys and Girls Club. And make sure they also know to tear the back-pocket out of a pair of pants when mugging someone - it adds to the psychological trauma!
"We want to take you by your head, put it under the sand, and then step on your neck, for real."
I'm sure the interviewer had a little trickle of piss running down his leg at this point, seeing that Rollins' is, as the interview progresses, slowly reverting back to that old charming Oakland, CA 'I'll murder you for a dollar' attitude.
"How else do you win?"
Timely pitching, practical hitting, good relief, maybe?
"That's how the Yankees did it as a team..."
Uh, no, they didn't. They actually used Derek Jeter's dreamy gaze to subdue opposing players, and then beat them over the head with a pillowcase filled with doorknobs.
"We're going to stomp on you, we're going to take your pride, everything about you, we are going to take from you. That's been our ambition the last couple of years."
This is sounding more and more like something Kellen Winslow Jr. would say, because it's equally as moronic.
(Asked about sharing air-space with WBC teammate David Wright) "As long as we got on the same uniform, we're all right..."
If Wright changes his clothes though, I'm going to strangle him with an extension cord.
"When he's got on that blue, white and orange uniform, though, you despise him."
Thank you for reiterating my point, Jimmy.
(Talking about the Yankees chances of a World Series win) "If they take the title from me, they take it from me, but they're going to have to take it..."
Is this the fucking WWE now? Is Rollins' so self-indulgent that he honestly thinks he's the leader of the Phillies? Does he realize he's less-valuable than Chase Utley, Ryan Howard and/or Cole Hamels? Does he know he's about to make my "All-Time Fuckface" roster?

/scribbles 'Jimmy Rollins' on a dirty cocktail napkin

Take that, asshole...

1 comment:

GM-Carson said...

J-Roll is a straight up gangsta!