Monday, March 16, 2009

Off-Topic: Bracket Bust Your Way Out the Door

Hey there, friend - are you getting together with some pals and colleagues to start a bracket pool in anticipation of March Madness? Have you scoured websites, printed out spreadsheets, and done all your tedious yet diligent research in hopes of winning it all this year? Are you rooting for a specific team, painting your face, going to a game, or lobbying for extra tickets?

If you answer yes to any of these, then please, I beg you, leave me the fuck alone.

You will not find a more surly man than me this time of the year. I fucking loathe brackets, office pools and the everything that goes along with the tournament. It's not that I'm sour - I just don't care. Not a bone in my body pines to find out who's moving on to the next round, who upset who, or who's the underdog. In fact, here is a short list of 5 things I couldn't care fucking less about, but still care about more than the NCAA tournament:

1. Candle making
2. Farming
3. Coldplay
4. UFO's
5. Top soil

Engaging me in conversations about the tournament will only net a response that is vaguely reminiscent of Robert De Niro in the final scene of "Awakenings" - vegetative, bordering on dead.

And no, I do not think I'm above all the hoopla surrounding the tournament - please, this is coming from a guy who still prefers boxing to MMA (it's making a comeback!). But if I decided to create a baseball pool that was structurally the same as brackets and dragged on throughout the season and then pressed it on everyone I knew and called them faggots if they refused even if they don't care about baseball, people would call me an asshole - more than they already do.

So, what the fuck? Stop emailing me. Stop asking me to enter. And let me be a miserable - albeit reclusive - prick for these 2+ weeks. I'll be the guy pretending to care about the Grapefruit league and pouring over Spring Training stats like they mean something...Watch out for that Brett Gardener, I smell batting title!

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