Friday, March 6, 2009

The Stereotypical World Classic of Baseball Contests

Over the course of the next several days, we here at WMHG will be exposing our ignorance introducing what we consider to be the real World Baseball Classic teams and rosters. Forget all that nonsense about patriotic pride and conflicting nationalism (A-Rod, American or Dominican? I don't know, but let's serve him the attention he craves while arguing over such a fucking moronic topic!) - this is about real allegiances and real commitment! Pay no attention to the stereotypical grouping of players, that's for all those PC dickheads, not to mention the Commies! You're not a Commie-loving traitor are you? Well, good. Then saddle up, the posts start today.

Team Name: The Hebrew Hammers
Hometown: Tel Aviv, by way of Crown Heights, Brookyln
Strengths: Ryan Braun's power, Youk's non-Greek glove and eye, Holy Man/Captain Shawn Green's pregame prayers, and savvy, yet frugal, ways with money
Weaknesses: Jason Marquis's desire to be traded to a Non-Jewish team, David Eckstein's non-Jewish heritage*, lack of any bench, awful rotation, the Golem
Team Summary: While these guys may not boast the deepest depth chart, they do have serviceable pop in their lineup. No Goyam is beating this team without a scrappy and possibly litigated fight.


Manager: Bob Melvin - Arizona Diamondbacks

C - Brad Ausmus - Los Angels Dodgers
The cagey vet, the battery-mate anyone would be happy to sit shiva with.

1B - Kevin Youkilis - Boston Red Sox - The guy who plays every game like it's his last, even if it's not for money, and it's at the expense and health of less-caring teammates.

2B - David Newhan - Houston Astros
The journeyman.

SS - David Eckstein* - San Diego Padres
The imposter.

3B - Ryan Braun - Milwaukee Brewers
The offensive cog who's not only a Long Island mother's dream son-in-law, but also a dangerous power threat.

OF - Gabe Kapler - Tampa Bay Rays
The fitness freak

OF - Shawn Green - Free Agent/Retired
The role-model.

OF - Adam Stern - Milwaukee Brewers
The nobody.

SP - Jason Marquis - Colorado Rockies
The Ace who's not even close to an Ace.

SP - Jason Hirsch - Colorado Rockies
The young gun.

SP - Scott Feldman - Texas Rangers
The "Use in Emergency Only" pitcher.

RP - Scott Schoeneweis - Arizona Diamondbacks
Lefty Reliever #1.

RP - Craig Breslow - Minnesota Twins
Lefty Reliever #2.

CL - John Grabow - Pittsburgh Pirates
The Closer (who's also a lefty).


Thanks to Upstate Underdog, I was reminded that I left 2B Ian Kinsler off the roster. How? I have no clue. But maybe it was because the weird Jewish website I got all these names from was too busy trying to get me to go on Birthright or some shit.

Anyway, 2B Ian Kinsler - L'chaim!

BallHype: hype it up!


Upstate Underdog said...

no Hebrew love for Ian Kinsler at second base?

Doc Holliday said...

AHHHH! How did I miss this one!

Going to edit it for you, UU.

Upstate Underdog said...

no need to edit. David Newhan was a good call on the journeyman.

Josh Borenstein said...

Made me laugh. The descriptions are priceless. Well done, sir.