Tuesday, March 10, 2009

The Stereotypical World Classic of Baseball Contests: Team III

Team Name: The WASPS
Hometown: Nantucket, MA by Way of South Hampton, NY
Strengths: Roofie selection, polo skills, charming laugh, deep pockets
Weaknesses: Divorce, Bernie Madoff
Team Summary: If you don't know that Napa is just divine this year, than you have no business being in a conversation with these guys. They spend their holidays in Whistler, BC, banging groupies under the Northern Lights, and their summer's in the Cape, yelling at their personal drivers and putting-down minorities. The cheapest piece of clothing they own is more expensive than the car you wish you had. The cocaine they snort would shutdown your shriveled blue-collar heart. They have no time to consort with poor people, such as yourself, so please move out of the way as these men step onto their yachts, catch blowjobs from aspiring models and starlets, and wipe their asses with crisp Franklin's.

Manager: Trey Hillman

C - Kelly Shoppach
Hails from Brown, prefers Polo by Ralph Lauren as opposed to Ralph Lauren's Polo

1B - Daric Barton
Can name over 65 different types of Scotch

2B - Chase Utley
Enjoys the cool feeling of an ascot against a clean-shaven neck

3B - Aubrey Huff
New money, married a girl of the Vanderbilt litter last Spring

OF - Xavier Nady
Lies about his golf handicap, fucks his housekeeper

OF - Hunter Pence
Is the real reason Christy Brinkley is no longer married

OF - Travis Buck
Is close friends with an African poacher, collects the tusks of female albino Rhinoceroses

BN - Skip Schumacher

SP - Chad Billingsley
Ass kissed

SP - Dana Eveland
Closet Alcoholic

SP - Clayton Kershaw
Lost family fortune at the track; uses credit to maintain luxurious lifestyle and keep his family in the dark

SP - Clay Buchholtz
Has sex with Cougars and widows for money

SP - Burke Badenhop
Kicked out of prep school for nearly strangling a Hispanic gardener

BN - Tyler Clippard
Captain of the Yale Crew team

BN - Kason Gabbard
For a period in the late-90's, sold heroin to high school vacationers on Block Island

RP - Ross Ohlendorf
Once shot a man over a private debt

RP - Chad Qualls
Illegally imports Cuban cigars, has Narragansett police captain on his payroll

RP - Taylor Tankersley
Has no idea his wife is having an affair

RP - Ehren Wasserman
Is having an affair with teammates wife

CL - Huston Street
Grew up in a middle-class suburb - hides estranged family out of shame


Mister Turkey said...

Bernie Madoff was traded to the WASPS?

AK-47 said...

Those are the best white-guy names to ever set foot on a baseball field.
On a related note, some of my friends thought the guy who filled in as Chiefs QB (Tyler Thigpen) this past season had a perfect name to be a closer or something. He'd do well on this list.

Upstate Underdog said...

I would replace Xavier Nady with Jacoby Ellsbury in the outfield. Trust me, Xavier is about as Catholic of a name as you will ever find, not very WASP-y.

Also, I hope Chad Curtis is the bench coach. WWCCD?