Wednesday, March 25, 2009

What Would Chad Curtis Do: Part V


After leaving the Yankees (and professional baseball altogether), Chad Curtis has plenty of free time on his hands. How do I know this? Well, low and behold, after I ran into him running a petty cab by Central Park, I learned the man still has those strong Christian opinions that really rubbed everyone the wrong way. While negotiating a fee with a customer, he weighed in on the World Baseball Classic situation, without any provocation from me.


The Quandary:

America, God's playground, lost to the Japanese in the Semifinals of the World Baseball Classic.

Chad's Take:

Some people - some of my good friends, actually - are dumbfounded by the outcome of Sunday Night's game. They say, *raises tone of voice* "Hey Chad, how can such a tender and loving and Christian God support those no-good Japs? He chose a bunch of Chinamen over the predominately white and superior team from the US of A? That's just baloney!"

And do you know how I respond?

First of all, I remind them to never, ever question God's decisions. Roger Clemens did that when God took the firmness from his wife's breasts, and where did that get him? Alex Rodriguez did the same thing after his postseason struggles in 2006, and God banished him from the church forever, and turned him into one of them damn gay lovers. Did you see those pictures of him in that devil rag magazine? Sweet Lord! I vomited on my wife's new rug when they flashed them on the television set. Seriously, just up and puked a mixture of lamb chops and pudding all over myself and the floor. Darn shame too, it was such a pleasant looking and unsoiled rug.

And secondly, I remind them that although the Japanese may have won the tournament, they're nothing but a bunch of godless savages who are damned to burn in hell for all of eternity and will be infinitely forced to serve Satan's brethren fruit bowls and juicy steaks and a variety of side-salads on platters made of fire and brimstone. And some of them will be forced to drive Satan's parents around in a Fiat Yugo. And some of them will be forced to play Satan in Trivial Pursuit every single night even though Satan cheats, and there's nothing that can be done to stop him from winning. How do I know this? Because the TV evangelist I sent $25K to told me so. And why would he lie? He already has my money.

After these points,they usually relax. Then we go out and lob rocks at abortion doctors and set fire to their clinics.

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