Monday, March 2, 2009

A Word with Satan's Son


I'd like to go on the record here and say that in no way is it my fault that Mr. Manny Ramirez is still unsigned by a major league club. Naysayers point out that I demand "surprise" and "absurd" and "brain-damagingly bad" contract stipulations during ongoing negotiations simply to complicate things, but I assure you, this is not the case. Mr. Ramirez deserves only the highest and most illustrious of contracts, mainly because he is in fact, a god. Not "thee" God, but "a" god. There's a huge difference here, folks. Would you offer God a one-year deal? Hell no, you wouldn't! He'd have your ass in purgatory before you could scream, "Chad Curtis Saves!"

And let's not forget what Mr. Ramirez did for the Los Angeles Dodgers last season. No, I'm not talking about his on-field performance (which, might I add, was the baseball equivalent of having a publicly broadcast and coke-fueled threesome with Jessica Biehl and Scarlett Johansson), I'm talking about when he saved Ned Colletti's life. Oh, you didn't know about that did you? Yeah, old Ned was about to join Michael Landon on the Highway to Hell when Mr. Ramirez intervened and subdued a pair of lurking psychos in the Dodger Stadium's parking garage. That alone should guarantee the man at least an extra year and $25M annually.

So, you tell me what's the harm in asking for a multi-year contract of 4 years, with an opt-out clause after each season, and zero deferred money, with a $20M signing bonus and a car that has the ability to travel through time? I think it's beyond fair for someone of Mr. Ramirez's talent level. And until these contract points are met, I will be in Hawaii, feasting on the heart's of hapless drifters and drunken vacationers. Ask my secretary, Janice, for my cell if you need to reach me.

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