Wednesday, March 11, 2009

You Sir, Are a Failure


Everyone likes rankings. If you don't, then you probably suck at life, and are probably better off living in some weird cave on the outskirts of some shitty town and having sex with a hollowed out log. But me? I love to be ranked. I want to be ranked in my day-to-day activities. My coffee making skills are superb. I am the best sidewalk-walker in the fucking galaxy. Nobody maneuvers their way around a gimpy old lady or a fat cigarette-smoking tourist like I do. Call me cocky, but I deserve these accolades.

Today's rankings pertain to the "Most Likely to Fail" this season, specifically catered to player's who have experienced a recent career resurrection, but will no doubt leave legions of ignorant fans weeping under their beds by mid-May.


PITCHERS

1 - RP Kerry Wood
He's already hurt. His elbow ligaments were replaced with cappellini. For some reason, people expect Wood to be something he's not - reliable. Being the pessimistic prick that I am, I'm positive Wood will not be closing games in "The Mistake by the Lake" at some point this season.

2 - SP Rich Harden
Nobody - and I mean nobody, goddammit - has a higher regard for Rich Harden. He is thee most dominate pitcher in baseball when he's on. He makes batters look fucking blind when his stuff is on point. Unfortunately, he has the pain-tolerance of a 9-year-old girl, so if you're expecting him to start 30+ games this season, please get back on your rainbow colored unicorn and return to watching "Highlander" or "Lord of the Rings".

3 - SP A.J. Burnett
I fully expect Burnett to take his first of many D.L. trips so he can masturbate with $100 bills and watch NASCAR right around the time when the Yankees need him most.

4 - SP Brad Penny
He's fat. He doesn't care. So, get your chants ready, Boston fans, because this guy is only going to deliver frustration. And fatness. Lots and lots of fried macaroni-and-cheese on a pancake fatness.

5 - SP Ryan Dempster
A repeat of last year is not happening, Chicago. But go ahead, by all means place your lofty hopes in the hands of Dempster and his career of mediocrity, albeit last season. It only enhances the chance for titanic letdown, and I love titanic letdowns. They're like heroin for a blackened soul.


HITTERS

1 - RF Milton Bradley
He's never played in more than 141 games in a season. He's absolutely, positively insane. He's never spent more than two full seasons with a team.

*Fast-forward to 2010*

I fucking told you so, assholes - You should have listened to me, it could have saved you the $200 you spent on the Bradley replica jersey. Have fun cleaning your car with it, dickhead...

2 - 3B Joe Crede
His back is balkier than a drunken sorority girl going home with a known womanizer, so why waste the time and expense, Minnesota? He's 30 years old, and if his back is troublesome now, then in the next year or two, he'll be sleeping in a chair and spending his off-days pissing in his face.

3 - SS Rafael Furcal
When he's healthy (re: never) he's an offensive stud. But that's rare. And don't forget he sucks at shortstop. Another beaut' by the always on-point, Ned Colletti.

2 comments:

Zach Martin said...

Was today "bash chicago day" at WMGH?

Doc Holliday said...

Ha - apparently, yes.