Thursday, April 2, 2009

Call Me "Ishmael"

There's always been something off about Cardinals outfielder Rick Ankiel. Maybe it's the steroid abuse, or maybe it's the whole "going crazy" thing, I don't know, it could be a combination of the two. But what I know for sure is, anytime someone wants people to call them by a new name, then they're probably spending their nights talking to a dog and/or checking their rear-view mirror for shady-looking black, 1957 Chevy's.

I'm all for being reinventing yourself - go nuts, cut your hair, grow a mustache, tattoo the word "fuck master" on your forehead - it could be a good move. But changing your name? I don't know about that - unless it's "Cockface McFagsex", I don't think it's going to get you anywhere. In fact, I think it makes you even more of a douchebag. Did you see Gaylord Perry changing his name? And his name was fucking Gaylord! That's top-three worst first names in history. But no, he stuck with it, threw some Vaseline on the baseball, and took a trip to Cooperstown. And what about Rusty Kuntz? That's just gross. But he didn't whine and bitch, he's still sticking it out, too.

Ankiel's suggested going by, "Dick". No, not something cool like, "Tank" or "Monster" or "Fuck Machine", but "Dick".

Well, if that's what he really wants - no pun intended - then maybe he should be granted his wish. The name fits the person, especially in this case, because he requested it.


Crane said...

Hey, I've been going by my middle name since I was 11. I use my last name on the internet.

I don't talk to dogs at night - they're my flatmates' pets and they hate me. I talk to my snakes.

Doc Holliday said...

Snakes have a more robust sense of knowledge.

Dogs only want to lick their balls and eat their own shit.