Tuesday, April 7, 2009

The Day After Yesterday

(cue the circus music)

After yesterday's drubbing at the hands of the fearsome Orioles, I've been reassured several times over by laid-back "normal" fans that it's just one game, that it's way too early for players to find their swing, and that the season starts tomorrow...

No motherfucker, the season started yesterday. And it didn't start off on a good note. It started off on a terrible note. It started off on a note from your girlfriend to your best friend saying she wants to practice the reverse-cowboy with him for her upcoming fuck scene in an amateur European porn video. Yes, it was that bad. Am I overreacting? Yes, of course - but only because I'm fucking insane! I can't help but think that once again, the Yankees will be 14 games out of 1st place by May, and will have to spend the rest of the season climbing out of the cellar and fending off Joel Sherman dribble and Hank Steinbrenner's daily newspaper "retardisms".

And who's to say the team won't stall out of the gate? Their defense was fucking awful and their at-bats were shit. Most of the Yankees looked like scared children chopping away at a saplings in the box.

Is this an extreme outlook? Yes. But fuck being a glass half-full fan, that shit is for grandmother's and ignorant homers. I want a dominate game to reverse my opinion. I want them to take down the Orioles 113-1 and slaughter Melvin Mora during the seventh inning stretch with a battle axe. I want Dave Trembley's Aristocratic French blood spilled all over the freshly planted grass of Camden Yards. Then, maybe, I'll let yesterday's embarrassment go...

(pulls pistol and bottle of whiskey out of desk drawer)

Ok, Ok, I get it...Give it a few days. Let the team settle. But don't try and talk me off the ledge until all five pitchers have shown they can make quality starts. I've been fooled too many times in the past, dammit and I will not be fooled again!

If you need me, I'll be on the porch...

7 comments:

Mister Turkey said...

Dude, how come you didn't show up at my NCAA Championship party?

Doc Holliday said...

I don't know if this is for me or AK, but if it's for me, I was too busy mixing various pain medications with hard alcohol...

AK-47 said...

Unless the Mets made the Final Four, I doubt this was directed toward me.

Mister Turkey said...

It was just a [poorly executed] reference to this:
"If another person invites me to an NCAA finals party, I'm going to accept the invitation under false pretenses and upper-deck all of their bathrooms - methodically, one by one - until their day is as ruined as mine..."

Sorry.

AK-47 said...

No prob, Mr. T. I think the apology should be on us for not getting it. In retrospect, that was pretty clear.

Doc Holliday said...

Oh yeah - well, this was before I decided to self-medicate after yesterday's debacle.

But don't you worry, there are enough upper-decks to go around!

Anonymous said...

texiera is a choke artist, he gets boo'd by a few fans in baltimore and he shits his pants. wait til he goes 0-4 in his first visit to the bronx and the fans turn on him