Monday, April 13, 2009

God's Gift to Mankind Discounts Any Injury


This word, tendonitis - when applied to me, that is - is a farce. Doctors say I'm suffering from it. The funny thing is, I don't "suffer". I enjoy. I love. I wallow. I indulge. I allow. I satiate. But I do not suffer. The last person that hinted that I was "suffering" from something, ended up suffering for a very, very long time in a very, very painful way. From what? Let's just say, it was unpleasant.

(makes fist with right hand)
(makes circle with thumb to index finger on left hand)
(pushes entire arm through hole)

But I do not feel sorry for myself. Team doctors are keeping me out of the lineup because of the rage I harbor, not because of some injury. At any moment - until this "tendonitis" speak subsides - I'm liable to skewer a pitcher with a finely cut piece of Ash. That's ugly. And I'd rather not have to hear those haunting screams again.

(flexes biceps)
(kisses biceps)
(absorbs cheers from crowd)

Give it a day, my fair compatriots. In a day or so, I will show what it means to be an offensive juggernaut. I will show you why I was pegged as the man who will mercilessly destroy and slaughter opposing pitchers. This is a promise, friends. Now move along, I'm getting tired of your company, and I need to practice the acceptance speech that will bring the house down when I'm congratulating myself at my Hall of Fame induction.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Your a real cynical sports fan. Stop whining all the time and take some journalism classes

Doc Holliday said...

It's: you are = you're, dipshit.

Learn grammar.

Journalism is for liberals. I'm a communist.

Anonymous said...

i agree with anonymous. All of your articles you write just point out the negative aspects of baseball and life in general. You might want to take a look at the glass half full instead of half empty you jerk. Do some charity work, help the less fortunate. Maybe stuff like that will help your anger problems.

Doc Holliday said...

Take a hike Molito.