Thursday, April 30, 2009

Guess Who's (Almost) Back?

Remember all the guys you knew in high school who did steroids? Their backs looked like a satellite shot of the moon and they often times physically attacked teachers and threatened to strangle them in front of the whole class (or was this just my school?)...Well, I do. And apparently, according to more leaked details from Selena Roberts' book, Alex Rodriguez was hitting the sauce - hard - back in high school, too.

These accusations surprise me about as much as A-Rod coming out of the closet. And I've also because become numb to the whole situation. But I am expecting Judgment Day type consequences when A-Rod returns to the lineup. It's going to be like the end of the original, "Ghostbusters", where Rick Moranis gets possessed by a dog and fucks Sigourney Weaver, and then the guys have to climb 100 flights of stairs to go and fight Zool. The pavement shreds, the sky goes dark, and the fucking Marshmallow Man destroys St. Patrick's Cathedral. At least that's how I envision it. Except minus the comedic timing of Dan Akroyd, Harold Ramis and Bill Murray. And more blond frosted tips. And more "Gay-Rod" implications.

But it's all typical New York Yankees/media bullshit. Just when it seems as though the team is putting it all together, pitching and hitting well (minus Jonathan Alababababababdajeo), you-know-who has to shuffle back into the spotlight and fuck some chemistry up. At this point, I wish there was an easy solution to the impending distraction. Why can't Alex Rodriguez take a late-night ride over the GWB, find his way to Secaucus, and disappear into the weeds? Would you be upset if he never returned? I know I wouldn't be. The Yankees would go out and trade for a replacement player - one with significantly less emotional/psychological baggage - and life would go on. But no, A-Rod has to prance his way back into the clubhouse, smiling like an asshole, mispronouncing words, and missing every 2-2 slider he meets...Goddamn this is going to suck.

Fuck it, I'm rooting for the Jersey scenario...


xGooks said...

When Sigourney and crew had to read the script for that part of the movie how many of them fired their agent/threw up in their mouth a little bit?

Also - I hope arod comes back, and then proceeds to strike out consistently and get outplayed by cody ransom forcing him to look in the mirror (and kiss the mirror and take pictures of said kissing) and look what he's become (gay). oh, and then date tim mccarver.

Doc Holliday said...

I prefer Angel Berroa at 3B, only because when he takes his helmet/hat off, I'm shocked by his receding hairline. I can't take my eyes away.

xGooks said...

remember when he was on the royals and really good for 6 weeks in like '03ish?

that was fun.

Doc Holliday said...

He beat Hideki "I'm a 39 year-old rookie" Matsui for the rookie of the year...YANKEES BIAS!!

/believes in this