Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Meet Mark Melancon

They call him "Joba 2", mainly because "they" are "retarded". But the team's brass, and a set of wildly ignorant fans, are hoping Mark Melancon is a stud closer in waiting. While this is a tall order to fill (Sorry all, but for every Mariano Rivera there are twenty Danys Baez's), I'm relatively certain that Melancon is going to help the Yankees bullpen - mostly because their bullpen is shittier than the toilets at the Port Authority bus station.

So, seeing that we are all unfamiliar with Melancon and his background, let's take a moment to learn more about the Yankees newest reliever.

Name: Mark D. Melancon
Born: March 28, 1985 in Wheat Ridge, CO, US
Throws/Bats: Right, Right

Fast Facts:
  • Do not look Mark Melancon in the eyes. He sees it as a threat and a challenge.
  • Do not climb a tree if chased by Mark Melancon. He can climb faster than you. And he carries a grappling hook.
  • After spending his childhood locked to a faux-pitcher's mound inside an abandoned airplane hangar in Colorado, his skin has become partially translucent. What you see on his body is a mask and body-suit designed by NASA.
  • His facial hair is finer than silk, and if ingested, more deadly than a Japanese Puffer Fish.
  • He does not enjoy comparison's to Joba Chamberlain. He prefers Jesus Christ.
  • Mark killed his first Grizzly at the age of 12. He killed his first insurgent threat at the age of 15. He killed his first Kei Igawa at the age of 24.
  • He throws 17 different pitches, include 8 unpronounceable by people speaking the English Language.
  • While at AAA Scranton, he used his index finger to correct Phil Hughes' vision.

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