Thursday, April 23, 2009

Return of the Rivalry

With this weekend's Yankees vs. Red Sox series breaching the horizon, fans have to wonder what's going to happen between the two fat boys from each team on Friday night. No, I'm not talking about the lifeless that is Big Papi or the earned-run machine that is CC, I'm talking about Joba and Youk. I'm talking about whether or not Youkilis is leaving Fenway with a dent in his forehead, or if someone is finally going to stand up for the guy I love to hate.

But there has to be more to it. I can't see Joba hating the guy for being a cocky, ump-arguing, giant-headed nerd who probably has a minimal amount of friends. Oh wait, yes I can. Regardless, I ask the question: Why does Joba want to decapitate Kevin Youkilis.

Here are the only possible answers I could come up with:

  • Joba hates corny facial hair
  • Joba hates Jews
  • Joba hates gigantic grapefruit-on-a-toothpick heads
  • Joba hates anyone fatter than he is
  • Joba hates people presumed to be Greek
  • Joba hates the praise of Billy Beane

If you have a better reason for Joba's unbridled hatred, feel free to chime in. But I'm pretty sure it's bullet number two, though. Those Native Americans have a lot to be fucking bitter about, regardless if it was an Englishman or a Jewish man that coughed smallpox all over their face and/or extended family. I know if I were of the Native American ancestry would personally hate everyone who didn't drink rubbing alcohol, collect white man's scalps, ride horses bareback, and grow their hair long and flowing*.

*blatantly racist

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